Bullitt Time

I opened the door to my wheelhouse recently and found Piper there. Yes, he was talking chase scenes -- and left out Bullitt! Still trying to recover from my post-INLAND EMPIRE haze (another time, another post), I was not up to the challenge of entering the ring, but thankfully Moviezzz stepped into the opposite corner and threw the first punch, which Piper quickly countered. Though I'm late to the fight, a recent viewing of the Steve McQueen chase in question re-energized me, so here I am to defend Bullitt.

I've actually found myself in this position frequently -- usually after recommending Bullitt to someone who claims to be a car and/or chase scene buff. They inevitably come back disappointed, and I predictably sever all ties to them. Admittedly, my love for the Bullitt scene comes from at least a couple biases: I am a car guy -- my first real conversation with my wife was a one-sided education on the merits of the lesser Porsche models (the 944, 928, 968 etc.) and an explanation on how Porsche-philes identify 911s by series. Also, the chase in question features my favorite American car of all time -- the 1968 Dodge Charger R/T, which for my money is the most beautiful car ever manufactured in this country.

The '68 Charger is what helps Bullitt rise above other chases: the car looks evil, and is such driven by villains. If the Bug-Eyed Sprite looks like, well, a bug-eyed sprite, then the '68 Charger looks like Darth Vader. The sinister black Charger against Steve McQueen's American-as-apple-pie green Ford Mustang is a constant visual reminder of which chaser is good and evil. Looking at the combatants from a contemporary eye makes them more impressive -- these were two brutish cars (especially the Charger), built more for speed than corners. The '68 Charger sported a 440 "magnum" V8, which until the Viper debuted was the largest engine Chrysler would ever put in a car, and was a long and heavy coupe with no promises of tight cornering. McQueen's pony car had "only" the 390 V8, which would be eclipsed by the powerhouse 429 V8 in later models, but it was far lighter and more compact than the Charger. With this in mind, it's somewhat amazing seeing the two cars barrel through San Francisco hills -- sometimes unsuccessfully. The driving is sloppy at times because they were stock cars driven to the absolute limit.

What we have through the whole chase is a raw realism that ups the adrenaline considerably. In no other chase do you grit your teeth or squeeze your chair when the cars barely miss oncoming traffic and continually come close to bottoming out or flipping over. Because the chase was not in the original script, much of it was probably improvised and done in one shot: see the Charger's collision with a parked car after a failed turn, it's possible that it got hung up on this car because the Academy Award-winning editing (!!!) essentially makes most of the Charger vanish after the hit. The numerous continuity errors make the chase less a part of the movie, and more of a "look what we did" home recording: after witnessing the downhill leaps (by the Volkswagen Beetle) from the drivers' perspective, they go back up the hill and then we're treated to the same downhill sequence again, but from a different angle (keep an eye on the Beetle). If we're supposed to believe these were two unique sequences, then the Charger loses a total of five hubcaps before the chase is over.

So yes, it's raw, but it's also stylish. The chase begins slowly with a brilliant cat-and-mouse game set to breezy jazz, with McQueen hoodwinking his pursuers by slyly becoming the hunter. Just when you might be lulled to sleep, the Charger burns off and the jazz stops completely. With no dialog, the cars supply the score for the duration: rhythmic thump-thumps of their suspensions crashing after catching air, dueling engine notes between the roaring Ford and bass-heavy Dodge and the trumpeting tire shrieks on grip-testing turns. While the chase began softly and safely, it ends abruptly and brashly: the villains play dirty by bringing out a shotgun, but McQueen breaks out an ancient race car driver move and forces his rival into the non-existent barrier -- leading to a brutal fiery grave.

Subsequent movie chases would feature hidden ramps for maximum air, reinforced suspensions and replica cars. McQueen drove the Mustang himself, the two cars are driven recklessly for ass-off-your-seat asphalt air and the beautiful Charger in particular is beaten senselessly more out of apparent accident than aesthetics. Bullitt ushered in the modern chase scene, but there's still never been another one like it.

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Dennis Cozzalio

I have to disclose a bias I have toward Dennis Cozzalio: his Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule was the first film blog I ever read. True story, I actually found it accidentally while Googling for drive-in information. But really, what better introduction to the film blogosphere than SLIFR? Dennis has an energetic writing style that naturally spurs conversation, with a broad taste in under appreciated and sometimes unloved movies. That this spectrum of film knowledge was stoked at the University of Oregon in the 1970s should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with that 200-miles-left-of-mainstream community and its history. Dennis has the rare talent to make his posts an event that requires reading and usually discussion -- their prodigious word counts only surpassed by the volume of lip-smacking substance they contain. If you can tear yourself away from the main body of SLIFR, you can practically spend a whole evening exploring Dennis' list of links. Included is an assortment of his favorite blogs, but also worthwhile web destinations for drive-ins theaters, music and the best movie theaters in California and home state of Oregon (though my PDX fave, Cinemagic, is curiously absent).

DEEP SENSES: 'I was 17 and managed to get in to see Nagisa Oshima’s In the Realm of the Senses, and for the life of me (being a teenager, still a virgin, who’d never even seen a straight porno before), I couldn’t figure out how this movie qualified in some circles as art. The discussion group, which took place a couple of days later, was ostensibly about the history of the medium. But Senses was new in town and a hot-enough topic that the teaching assistant who ran the group brought the movie up, and for at least 45 minutes we hashed out what it was about Oshima’s movie that made it worthy of serious discussion. I can’t say the discussion convinced me of anything— I wouldn’t have a reasonable appreciation of the movie until years later. But about a month later, when I saw my first actual porn movie, a campus screening of Deep Throat sponsored by a local fraternity (just try imagining that being permitted today!), the difference between it and Senses couldn’t have been clearer to me.'

NEVER SCARED: 'This is another way of saying “I dare you to scare me.” The people I’ve heard make this claim weren’t really movie fans— their capacity or willingness to suspend disbelief, to let themselves get carried away by sounds and pictures and react on a purely emotional level, and certainly on an intellectual level, was just not there. So any movie I would recommend automatically had extra work to do to defeat these near-impenetrable defenses. That said, I would still recommend (with as little build-up as possible) two movies to these stalwart souls, and if they could sit through them, under ideal big-screen theatrical conditions, and still claim they were not ever scared, I’d stand up, salute and send them on their merry way, secure and somewhat sad in the knowledge that nothing so crude as a mere movie will ever get under their armored skin. My recommendations would be Robert Wise’s The Haunting and Neil Marshall’s The Descent.'

YOU DON'T LIKE OLD MOVIES?: 'If they are often put off by simple understanding of language, due to the often marked differences in linguistic idioms and means of expression used whenever the movie was made, I might suggest a movie that deals in that very subject-- Howard Hawks' Ball of Fire, for example. If they don't like black and white, I might search for some of the best examples of the use of black and white as a creative choice (noirs like Sunset Boulevard or Out of the Past ), or conversely, examples of old movies that were spectacular because of their use of color. (The Wizard of Oz is an obvious pick, but maybe also one of Anthony Mann’s westerns, say, Bend of the River.) If, however, they are put off of old movies because they don't like to think about an entire film's cast being dead, and can't help imagining these images captured in celluloid and sound as anything other than ghostly reverberations from a bygone age (my wife feels this way sometimes), well, this one is obviously much harder to deal with. The way my wife got around it was to find a dead star that she was interested in, so even if she would inevitably drift toward thinking of the actors as apparitions, there was always the star’s persona to be involved in, and a good story, presumably, as well. Consequently, two old movies my wife has never complained about being populated with dead people were Red River and A Place in the Sun, because there were good stories and Montgomery Clift right there to distract her.'

THIS ISN'T DALLAS, IT'S ...: 'I made my first "favorite movies" list around 1981, and at the top of that list was a movie I neither liked or understood when I saw it the first two times. The third time, however, was a revelation, and after that I saw it several times in my senior year of college-- three times in one day, at the height of my mania. I just made up a list of my 30 Favorite Movies for a German publication and that movie was still at the top of my list, some 26 years after I first realized how much I loved it. The movie: Robert Altman's Nashville.'

TOO MUCH IS NEVER ENOUGH: 'I've always tried to see as many movies as my schedule would allow. In college, this meant jamming in as many as five or six movies in a weekend, and maybe even one or two during the week, not counting the films I was regularly scheduled to see most every Tuesday and Thursday night for the four years I was there. Living and learning in Eugene, Oregon in the late 1970s, it was my mission and that of my close friends to see just about anything and everything that came to town. When I moved to Los Angeles in 1987, six years after I graduated from the University of Oregon, I quickly realized that this mission had become an impossible one-- there was suddenly, instead of five or six theaters and a few drive-ins, hundreds of theaters showing far too much for any one person to ever see in toto-- and the last 20 years has been a long tapering off of that ridiculous standard that I set in my giddy, carefree youth. I ended up seeing a lot of movies in the course of my work as a closed caption and subtitle editor, which I will have been at for 20 years this June, and I still do. But ever since my daughters were born, in 2000 and 2002, there has been less and less time to see movies, either on DVD or in a theater. Nowadays over the course of one month, in addition to the ones I see at work (maybe five or six), I'll see maybe 10-12 on DVD and perhaps two or three on the big screen. I have to be much pickier than ever before about what movies I see theatrically, which makes me even more appreciative of all the good information available from the network of smart bloggers that I read and have become acquainted with regarding which ones to schedule in stone and which ones might be well-advised to pass over.'

BUMPIN' CHAPPELLE: 'As someone who has only the mildest tolerance for hip-hop, I ended up dutifully staying for Dave Chappelle’s Block Party when it unspooled as the late-night second feature at a drive-in last spring. I’ve never been so happy to be surprised and disarmed by a movie, and the music featured within it, as I was by seeing this one. I cranked my car stereo system up to 11 and the movie ended up on my year-end best list for 2006.'

BACK TO SCHOOL: 'It wasn’t central to my decision to pursue a career as a teacher (a career path upon which I am just now embarking), but seeing Nicholas Philibert’s �tre et avoir (To Be and to Have) a couple of years ago helped to rekindle a dormant interest I had in teaching that has now fully reawakened. I want to see this movie again very soon.'

DR. BROWN ON LINE ONE: 'Being of the generation that I am, I would find it almost impossible to resist the opportunity to be transported back to the opening nights, when no one really knew what to expect, of Psycho and The Exorcist. Imagine being the first to be completely gutted by Janet Leigh’s death 50 minutes into Hitchcock’s picture, or trying to refuse the impulse to run away from seeing Linda Blair (and Mercedes McCambridge) do and say things more horrible than you’d ever imagined, let alone thought could ever be portrayed in a movie. I’m assuming, of course, that your question implies an erasure of all of my own awareness of the movies as well, so I could experience the fear of something new, of a new fault line forming in the history of horror movies, along with their original terrified audiences. '

ONE FOR THE BOYS: 'Bad movies can be fun, but they can also get tiresome. However, bad movies that transcend their innate awfulness and become, over time, movies that we actually like because of their deficiencies, well, that seems to me another matter. The premier movie in my experience that went from bottom-of-the-barrel bad to, through repeated pay cable (and video, laserdisc and DVD) screenings, is Franklin Schaffner’s The Boys from Brazil. There are pleasures worthy of guilt in just about any genre you can name, and some, like The Boys from Brazil, are prime examples of strange genre subsets all their own—what other movie so clumsily and without conscience warps historical and political tragedy into the rich narrative manure of pulp science fiction and cheap suspense? James Mason minces about in a fedora and scarf as a Nazi commandant coordinating the post-war cloning experiments of Dr. Josef Mengele (an ossified, shellacked Gregory Peck), while impish Nazi hunter Ezra Lieberman (an Oscar-nominated Laurence Olivier) tracks him down. This is a Sir Lew Grade international prestige production, where all English seems phonetic and overdubbed, so nobody has much of a chance of coming off looking good. But the one who comes off worst is little Jeremy Black, hired to portray at least four of the boys from Brazil, the little Hitler clones who would, if Mengele’s darkest machinations were to see light, each repeat the circumstances of the dictator’s youth and similarly flower into the charismatic power of his tyrannical adulthood. The Internet Movie Database assures me that this is the only time Black’s talents were ever put to use on film, and connoisseurs of Wretched Performances, Youth Division ought to mourn this particularly cruel turn of cinematic fate and regularly revisit his one lasting piece of acting fury. His may be the most astonishingly witless and thoughtlessly unshepherded performance by a child actor in the history of movies. Black’s nasally congested rejoinder to Mengele’s climactic delineation of the nefarious genetic goings-on into which he is inexorably entwined—“Oh, man you’re weird”—is a hallmark of the involuntarily deadpan, and the only sane response to someone who loves this movie as much as I do. When my friends and I saw The Boys from Brazil on its opening weekend, we couldn’t believe it was as bad as it was. Now, all these years later, I’m eternally grateful it was as bad as it was, because it has, for me, become a completely unique creation unto itself, a production whose badness is inseparable from its goodness, whose pleasures would be nonexistent if everyone had done good, solidly crafted, by-the-numbers work. (The one who did, composer Jerry Goldsmith, created a genuinely memorable score.) The Boys from Brazil certainly looks by-the-numbers. But underneath its internationally pedigreed armor beats the heart of a movie that might have been designed and made by authentically unhinged talent. It’s probably the silliest movie on the resume of almost everyone involved in it (well, everyone except Steve Guttenberg), but it has a place in my heart as one of my favorite movies, for every reason, good and bad, that comes spilling off the screen.'

BETTER DAYS: 'On the worst day of my life, date and day and year of which are etched clearly in my mind and forever will be, no movie could have consoled me or taken me away to a place where my concerns could take a back seat to those of the characters on screen. But on everyday bad days before and since (days which are all much less bad than that one was), I yearn to laugh, so either Horsefeathers, 1941 or Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life will fill the bill. Recently, at the end of a very stressful week, I looked at the outtakes on the Borat DVD and felt the pressure virtually melt away. Great comedy should never be undervalued, even though is so often is.'

Contact DVD Panache if you are interested in contributing to Friday Screen Test.

700 Possible Blog Names

I did it. At some point it seemed impossible, at many times it felt needless and at the end it felt completely necessary because of who I was doing it for: you, the public. After three weeks, here is my gift to the world: 700 possible blog names.

This project was inspired by John Hodgman (the Mac), who gave his readers 700 hobo names, a public service for those who wanted to enter the world of switch yard bonfires and fashions made of lint. Hodgman wisely suggested to keep the hobo list close at hand, for if you met a fellow hobo on the rails with the same name, you would quickly need to choose another one. I give out similar advice with this list, primarily because of the various ways it can be used:

• As answers to the question "have you read any good blogs lately?"
• When addressing a gathering of people who want to start their own blogs and the question of "well, what should I call it?" inevitably comes up.
• When assuaging a friend or loved one with "oh no, surely your blog isn't as bad as ___ or ___"
• For use in the rouse of "talking" to your "secretary" on a cellphone in an airport and you have to list off all the different blogs to send your recent press release to.

I will address further uses of this list, and various other topics related to the 700, in a post later this week. For now, onto the 700 Possible Blog Names:

1. Beer and Loafing in Las Vegas, N.M.
2. Gypsies, Tramps and Steves
3. A Dog's Blog
4. Small Hats
5. Wonderful Smarmy
6. The Deutsch Family Circus
7. Only Angels Drink Tab
8. The Last Lever
9. Scientific Progress Goes SHTOINK!
10. Gary Land
11. My Grass is Browner
12. You're Invited to Owl World
13. In the End There Can Be Only Me ... and You
14. Absolutely 666 Street
15. Green County Mushrooms
16. Karen, The Hunted
17. Hacking the New Testament
18. I Can Blog Anything Better Than You
19. The Legend of Bloggy Creek
20. A Stone's Throw From Nowhere
21. A (Black) Light at the End of the Tunnel
22. You Will Kindly Remove Your Mask
23. Tilling For Love
24. Jeff Myrtlebank's New Blog
25. It's Tuesday Somewhere
26. Twirling Toward Freedom
27. Too Late for Worms
28. When She Finds Me There'll Be No Time to Explain
29. Cobwebs and Strange Syrup
30. Last Surviving Soda Jerk
31. Mary Ann's Cauldron of Hope
32. A Smattering of Twiggy Fans
33. Butch Christie is an Innocent Man
34. I Sing the Body Eclectic
35. Sensible Supermarket Sweep
36. Take My Blog ... Please!
37. Visit Huntington, Ore.
38. In the Nest of Madness
39. The Streets of East St. Louis
40. Disco Pants and Haircuts
41. Water for Breakfast
42. I Blog Short Shorts
43. Trip McNatt Takes the Wheel
44. Bunnies, Bunnies in My Blog
45. You Can Call Me Hal
46. Mutant R.A.T. Attack
47. One-Armed Blog
48. Salute My Shorts
49. On Probation in Riverside
50. The Lion Who Swallowed a Tiger
51. Super Mario & The Women
52. Purdue Boilermakers: 2007 NCAA Men's Basketball Champions
53. Seventh Floor Dungeon: What Goes Bump in the Night and Zzzzzz By Day
54. Deconstructing Louise Fairbanks
55. Let My Blog Open the Door
56. A Million to WHY
57. Sexual Perversions of Shreveport
58. The Case Against Antiquing
59. Danny McArthur Tells It Again
60. Every Thursday is Pizza Day
61. Ax Handle Illustrated
62. Mind Salad
63. The Shovel Index
64. Molly Sullivan's Kitchen Pantry: Where Ideas are Found and Friends Are Made
65. The Three of Them Are Evil and Evil Are All Three
66. The Real Wisconsin Dells
67. Ray vs. Tim
68. Storytime with David Magix
69. Free Pineapple Tomorrow
70. Atop a Tractor in Iowa You Can See Forever
71. The Unwinking Eye
72. There is a Blog at the Bottom of the Ocean
73. Four Red Bulls a Day
74. Wheelbarrow Advocates of Eastern Missouri
75. My Sheep Are My Shepherd
76. I Want to Tell You My Secret
77. Fear Not, Cthulu
78. I'll Read When I'm Dead
79. Are You Ready to Believe?
80. NE1410S?
81. Neighborhood Hydrologist
82. The Moon Hungers
83. Around Green Bay in 80 Posts
84. Brisket and Gravy
85. This Time It's For Keeps
86. Pat Smear
87. I'm Just Serving Justice
88. J. Chubbock at Your Service
89. Learning to Lie (Easier Than You Think)
90. The Films of Michael Caine
91. House Maid Confidential
92. Edgar Winter Band Steamroller
93. Dario Argento and the Pine Tar Rule
94. Buy My Ties
95. When Will Freeman Green Break Up With Me?
96. Divorce, Liz Style
97. Smokin' Onions
98. Intensity in Tent City (Ark.)
99. Large Hats
100. Schadenfreude for Beginners
101. 88 Days to Live
102. Facts About Charles Durning
103. Kink Cameron: A Look at the Sexual Subtext of Growing Pains
104. It's Raining Fish, Hallelujah
105. Be My Roomie
106. Pictures of Lillies
107. Ralph Riffs
108. Thinned Mints: Unlocking the Recipes of Girl Scout Cookies
109. Rubber Rainbow
110. Apple Street Buffet Club
111. Rich Kotite Impostors
112. The Squirrels and the Dead
113. Pennies by Mail
114. Old Witch Hat Mountain and Other Short Stories
115. Twin Trouble (the Misty and Rainn Diaries)
116. Steak Through the Heart -- 98 Recipes by John H.
117. Midnight Kerning
118. She Wears It Well
119. Dial-Up Bandit
120. Four Non Blondes (Lyrics, Photos, Memories)
121. In Search of ... Leonard Nimoy
122. He Came From Beyond the Firewall
123. Bubbling: Bubble Tea in Charlotte
124. Moustaches in East Lansing: The Final Rankings
125. The Airport Drunk
126. Valley of the Goathead
127. Landlocked in Nashville
128. You Have to Half It
129. Emu eMuseum
130. Spicy Harrisburg
131. Vita-Mom
132. 40 oz. Facelift
133. Get the Rhett Out
134. Touch It-Read It-Touch It
135. Bread of the Babysitter
136. Overflowing Math Bath
137. Shecky Greene
138. 300 Words Per Day
139. Club Soda ... Now!
140. OK Crabs
141. Baby Eagle is Back
142. Ninja for Wyoming
143. Give Up Your Dimes
144. The Nine: Together Again & Soon to Be Ten
145. Let's Make Tomatoes!
146. The Norbit Pit (or NorPit)
147. The Edward Strikes Back
148. Real World: Billings
149. Blackberry Beret
150. What Would Jeebus Do?
151. 42-39-56
     
152. Wilmington Underground
153. And the Joysticks Surrendered
154. Indianapolis Bohemian
155. December 28, 1996
156. Blood On the Airwaves
157. Cold Crackers
158. Born on the Interstate
159. Johnny Carwash
160. My Father Owns This Town
161. Party at Gator's
162. U.S.S. Brendon
163. Crossing the Streams
164. Trapped in Huntsville
165. STD Gun (Loaded)
166. Me Minus Emily Equals Negative Us
167. The Baraboo Sessions
168. Tonight, We Graduate
169. Locomotive vs. Locomotive
170. Touch a Color, See Its Sound
171. Young Muddy Rudders
172. 1,200 Signs
173. Kelsey's Turn
174. Password: ******
175. Fresh Kites
176. Rutger Hauer University
177. Soft Serve In a Golden Cone
178. And Now For My Final Trick of the Evening
179. Have a Sip On Me
180. Finding Your Place in Lubbock
181. Tapered Pants Do Not Look Good on Anyone
182. Salmon & Honeycomb
183. Story of Tonight
184. The River Caleb (Dam Him)
185. So You Want to Buy a Pinball Machine
186. Last Exit for Dire Straits
187. The Granite State is Crumbling
188. Tiffany Breathes Contempt
189. Frozen Oak
190. The Burning Pea Coat and Other Alderman Family Parlor Tricks
191. The Indian Taco (There's Enough for Everyone)
192. Showdown on Fight Street
193. The Last Tree House
194. First of the New Epoch
195. Coke Oven
196. A Blog in the House
197. Slow Turtle
198. All the Pieces Fit
199. One Mile to America City
200. Ready. Set. Go Back.
201. She Had Become Like They Are
202. Eddie-Free San Jose
203. Ha!
204. Rent-a-Chris
205. The Kevlar Jungle
206. Iron Pinata
207. Swimming to Stand Still
208. The Greatest Story Ever Smelled
209. Tomorrow is Canceled
210. Tiger Shark Piledriver
211. Great Geyser in the Sky
212. Put Upon by Hailey
213. Eat the Night
214. Dream Street (Nightmare Alley)
215. Candle in the Whale
216. Vegetabeliever!
217. Cannonball Brain
218. Pour It On Thick
219. Flaming Dignity
220. Subterranean Reno Blues
221. A Day Without Elves
222. From the Desk of Perry White
223. High On Stilts
224. Volcano Insurance
225. Two Bullets, Five Zombies
226. The Guy She Left Before You Found Her
227. Circus Peanuts for All
228. The Quentin Memorandum
229. Topeka is No Place for an Englishman
230. John Waters in '08
231. Pulque Kegger Tonight
232. The Ongoing Frustration of Chet Houston
233. More Productive Cake
234. The Real Family Feud
235. Seven Days Without Trevor Makes One Weak!
236. Marc Side of the Moon
237. TGIF (This Grandma is Fantastic!)
238. One Thing We Can Agree On
239. The Three of Us Are Dying (Eric, Diana and Patrick Ponder the Afterlife)
240. Dam the Tuxedos
241. Two Piggyfaces All in a Row
242. No Re-Post, No Surrender
243. Army Surplus Stores Are Da Bomb
244. Shrinkin' Into 'Blivion
245. Free Halloween Costumes
246. Pontius McHate
247. I Was an Encyclopedia Salesman
248. Rope Ladder to Hell
249. Strangely Indifferent
250. Lost River, Ore.
251. Do My Taxes
252. Angels With Scabby Faces
253. Fourth Grade Something
254. Not Afraid of Black Holes
255. Only the Good Dye Blonde
256. When Will Family Circus Stop?
257. Undefeated Deli
258. Inquisitive Blue Jay
259. All My Trains Are Gone
260. The Texarkana Kaper
261. Monsters of Hoboken
262. Teddy Bear Jailhouse
263. 100 Percent Alcohol
264. Warning: Quick Sand Ahead!
265. (*Blink*) Indiana's Best Neon Signs (*Buzz*)
266. The House on Blog Hill
267. Confessions of a Keytarist
268. Mummified Grizzly (RAWR!)
269. Searching for Dakota Coldsmith
270. The Buzz of Saw County (Neb.)
     
271. Another Jonathan Brewster by 2017
272. Malted Frenzy
273. Gloom Pie
274. Chocolate Submarine
275. Shadowy Women of 16th Street
276. Liquid Pachinko
277. Living Chainsaw
278. Liftoff on Madness Blvd.
279. They Came for Charlie
280. Rascalman's Quarterly
281. 5,000 Degree Coffee
282. Children Can't Draw
283. Pegasus Survival Guide
284. Milk is for Baby Goats (Not Me)
285. Journey to the Sun
286. Winning the War Against Losers
287. Classy Bakery
288. Dry Cleaned Wet Suit
289. A Turn About Town
290. Robots Don't Vomit
291. The Golden Vessel of Sink Harbor
292. Unchain Me, Sister
293. Asphalt Wrestler
294. Fatal Calculator
295. Pollute, Refute, Repeat
296. Piano Noose
     
297. 99 Hours of Isaac
298. Nancy Allen on Your Computer
299. Yoda Tree
300. The Time Tunnel is Closed
301. Putter Greg's eGreen
302. Broken Hamburger
303. Memorable Sewers
304. Chin Deep in Medicine
305. Never Pass Up a Good Thingy
306. Double Chin Shotgun
307. Find Your Shantytown
308. Michael Ironside's Longface Cafe
309. The Polkadot Cheesecake Room
310. Boats
311. Circus Court (In Session)
312. Corpus Christi's Freakharmonic
313. Blood Ink
314. Invincible Castle
315. 64 Jackpots Per Minute
316. Run Rummer
317. Backgammon on Venus
318. Guess the Gender, Win a Waffle
319. Unkind Parrot
320. Juju Bee Bullet Gun
321. Expelled from Detroit
322. The Brightest Reds are Yellow
323. Gold Coins in an Ashtray
324. Jug Bomb
325. I'll Have the Eyeballs
326. Fish Pants
327. The Hoof-faced Woman
328. Mud Cat
329. Crossbow Clusterfuck
330. Too Many Horses
331. Jump, Jump; Skate, Skate
332. Matterhorn Matters
333. This Trampoline Leads to Heaven
334. MOAB (Mother Of All Blogs)
335. I Smell What You Think
336. Phantom Grocer
337. Breakheart Raccoon
338. Buy More Stuff
339. The Boy Who Tamed a Bullet
340. Soup Sitter
341. We Are All Boxes
342. Blog My Family
343. Very Dirty Bear Child
344. 12th Grade Explorations
345. Dept. of Leonard Smith
346. Too Hot for Kool-Aid
347. Mazda vs. Mazda
348. No Further Inquiries
349. Bad Daddy Island
350. Asshole FAQ's
351. Give Me the 60
352. This is Getting Old
353. Election Face
354. 12-volt Cherry Pie
355. Cyberia's Ice Cream Man
356. The State of It All
357. Answer: Shut Up
358. Searchin' For a Premonition
359. Watch Out, George Lucas!
360. Elephant on a Plane (First Class Terror)
361. All the Little Pixels
362. I'm About to Post Something -- I Swear
363. The Digital Elizabeth
364. Pencil Cabin
365. The Butler's Log
366. Color Me Curious
367. Only the Dead Know For Sure
368. Yeah, But He's Smart
369. Living in Santa Barbara With No Money (A Hobo's Challenge)
370. Looking for My Punk Rock Girl: Have You Seen Her?
371. A Might Queer
372. A Periscope Darkly
373. Last Gentleman in Arizona
374. Learn from the Sasquatch
375. Anvil in My Hand
376. I Fucking Swear That Kid's a Genius ... The Mitch Sweeney Chronicles
377. Micah Jaguar
378. Cooking for 2 Dogs
379. Skull Duggard
380. Symptom of the Cul de Sac
381. Zero Hour Homeroom
382. In Golden Halls, You Get to Keep the Gold That Falls
383. You're Never Gonna Regret Reading This
384. Here's a Guy Who Knows What He's Talking About!
385. Firelick
386. Raised by Eagles
387. The New Bartender
388. 800 CDs at Once
389. Unpainted Shed
390. The Bewitchin' Tub
391. Increase the Innocence
392. Focus on Barns
393. If Iggy Pop Ruled It All
394. Treasure Map in the Sky
395. Heat Seeker
396. Girls With Dragon Tattoos
397. Reliving the Lambo Rambo
398. The Picnic District
399. Orange-haired Scoundrel
400. Heavenly Circle
401. Extremely Low Miles
402. Moon Shoe Clearinghouse
403. Pigeon Slide
404. Wordless Hustle
405. Gun Down Turnaround
406. Santa Fe Information Society
407. Ice Cream Sandwich Skyscraper Covered In Hate
408. Revolving Basement
409. Gill's Blog of Spells
410. Definitely Surely Probably
411. Weird, But Cool
412. Licorice Land
413. Chancy
414. Simmering Teacher
415. Stickers by Dwayne
416. Sword Academy
417. 8-bit Prodigy
418. History's Most Clever T-Shirt
419. Permanent Bad Birthday
420. *Runs On Malt Liquor
421. Unnatural Arkansas
422. Trouble at the Old Mill
423. Battleship from Above
424. Bank Robs Thief
425. A Day Without Video
426. Kill Your Dreams
427. Boring Magician
428. Wireless Pogo Stick
429. Gorilla Museum
430. Penthouse Key
431. Curmudgeon by Dawn
432. Pick Up the Chicklets
433. Jelly Bike
434. Fruit Loop'd
435. Otisburg
436. Project Evan Improvement
437. Scarlet Nights
438. Marshmallow Arrow
439. Charlie Foxtrot
440. Desk of Decadence
441. Squeezer Button
442. Drink Less Sap
443. Mrs. Huge's Kitchen
     
444. Council of the Cave
445. 88 Lunchable Recipes
446. Dog Flower
447. Whole Dang Shootin' Match
448. Of Ants and Sega
449. When Wisconsin Gets to Mars, There's Gonna Be a Whole Lotta Burnt Cheese
450. Uncle Bingo on the Roof
451. Heads I Win, Tails You Leave
     
452. Setting Traps in Waco
453. Egg
454. I Know What I'm Blogging!
455. Put It In Writing
456. Just About to Get Naked
457. Petery
458. Old Pirate
459. Take This Survey and Shove It
460. 49 Cousins
461. Lock the Vote
462. Transistorman
463. 100% Natural Blog
464. Cunning Trickery
465. 'Woofer
466. Uninstall Soul
467. Between the Bylines
468. Take Four Lefts and You're There
469. Jungle Duck
470. Four and 20 Cups of Coffee
     
471. Style of Reason
472. Murder on the 14.4kps Express
473. The Bronzed Aaron
474. Jimmy Jack Jam
475. The King's Bellows
476. 99-yard Triple Reverse Touchdown
477. Mitigating Circumstance
478. Obvious Juror
479. Blackbird Journal
480. Todd the Tank Killer
481. Bryce the Tank Killer
482. Gerald the Tank Killer
483. Tank Killer Killers with June and Bryce
484. The Last Turnabout
485. Tokyo Keymaster
486. Halloween on Thanksgiving
487. City of Penance
488. Hubris Storm
489. Charge of the Shadow Doctor
490. Lifeguard On Duty
491. Guess Today's Password
     
492. No Ray Guns Barred
493. Land of Milk and Off-Brand Cookies
494. Leather Sheets
495. Grenade in a Flashlight Fight
496. Ugly Cougar Face
497. Librarians Do It With the Covers On
498. Butterscotch Morning
499. Bees Wax is My Business
500. Cement Play
501. Binary Sea of Change
502. Earhead
503. Rascally Badger
504. Splitting Crosshairs
505. Magma 'zine
506. Prof. Icicle's Comeuppance Parade
507. Slipperier
508. Games Bastards Play
509. Summer Santa
510. In the Eyes of Sarcasm
511. Gas-powered Vineyard
512. Artsy Cutesy Repulsion
513. Welcome to The Tent
514. The Line Starts Here
515. Steel Boots
516. Moose Wheels
517. Muffin Logic
518. When Ice Cream Socials Collide
519. Shawn at the Gates
520. Empirical Backdraft
521. Bling and Incompetence
522. Meet Me at the Shuffleboard
523. Plaid and Loving It
524. Gray Rainbow
525. Dim Lantern Jaw
526. Dinosaur Basement
527. Gazebo Forest
528. Hidden Letters
529. The Neverending Rant of J. Ramsay
530. Tunneling, Tunneling, Tunneling
531. Let's Have a Landslide
532. My Only Hope is to Be Loveable
533. Pepperoniest
534. Unscuttled Again
535. The Dark Background
536. This is Your Last Chance
537. Burnt Biscuit
538. Click Here to Continue
539. House of Doors
540. Sharp Grass
541. Coldest Beer in Town
542. Return to Blog Beach
543. Chalky, Thoughtless Lloyd
544. No Keyboard Brett
545. Lunchroom Spy
546. Championship Pennant
547. Trev — Without a Net
548. Randomings
549. The Turquoise Chandelier
550. Churning Heart
551. The War on Hate
552. Over the Top of the Bottom
     
553. Notes on Music Notes
554. Malapropism Asylum
555. Couldn't Let It Go
556. 32-bit Thinking
557. Wind Poison
558. Extra Aorta
559. Dry Frost
560. Diamond Judge
561. Rake Surplus
562. The Eternal Furnace
563. Calliope Clearance
564. Start Making Cents
565. Posts Comprable to Zeus
566. These Words Will Change the Internet
567. An Uneven History of My Autobiography
568. The Popcorn Ship Sails
     
569. Steam Pen
570. I Cannot See the Sky
571. Live from Fern Hill
572. Well Spent Youth
573. Peering Into the Drain
574. Glistening Tentacles
575. Wooden Mind
576. Almost to the Future
577. Today is My Turn
578. Blink and Listen
579. Counting Down the Pages
580. Won't You Read My Words
581. Lake City Forest Club
582. Head Meets Glass
583. Feels Like Cash
     
584. Trombone Arms (Feel the Noiz)
585. Gather 'Round the Misanthrope Tree
586. Ice Cookie
587. When Clouds Frown
588. Just South of Low Brow
589. Ultra Mail
590. Surprise Ending
591. Initiate: Complicated Needless Sequence
592. Private Journal [Guest Pass]
593. Feeding the Human Nest
594. Coyote Trail Ends Here
595. Zag, Don't Zig
596. Spike River
597. Take This, You'll Need It
598. Language of Dreams
599. Any Other Way
600. Breaded Boy
601. Basement Hideout
602. The Wooden Spoon News Desk
603. Lip Sync Perfect
604. Liquid Dominoes
605. Have You Ever Tried ...
606. Unmanned Air Ship
607. You've Got Mop
608. Des Moines Guest Book
609. With Stupefying Results!
610. Broken Wagon Tongue
611. Melting Pot Factory
612. Tuber Pistol
613. Poof!
614. The Hut
615. Middle of the Rainbow
616. El Bano de Suerte
617. Mudway Drive
618. Tell Me So
619. Jesop McTrigger
620. Date Hospital
621. Bog
622. New at the Candy Store
623. Lonesome Hero
624. Iron Lung Warehouse
625. Truth Fax
626. Sorry, Wrong Blog
627. The Modem From 20,000 Fathoms
628. Metro Mouse
629. Sarah Goes Off
630. Lode Walker, Internet Ranger
     
631. All the Lights In the City Are On
632. Quivering Lower Lip: International Edition
633. Slug to Shining Slug
634. Houston Glubby
635. Knapsack Knowledge Emporium
     
636. 2,000 Miles to Canada
637. It Has to Be True
638. Sit Down and Take It!
639. The Boy With X-Ray Hands
640. Read or Bleed
641. Our South American Cousin
642. Too Wordy
643. Have You Scene This Act?
644. Deaf Radio
645. The Lineup
646. Descent into Meaning
647. General Mediocrity
648. Sturm n' Durm
649. Double Lighthouse
650. Morning Werewolf
651. Fun With Electricity
652. Constant Updates
653. Automatic Office Chair
654. Grainy Video
655. Generic Control Panel
656. Lists! Lists! Lists!
657. Wormhole Navigation
658. The Great Ham Scam
659. From Gill's Computer
660. Tiny Violin
661. Plant Reader
662. Cry Wolfie
663. Neo Freako
664. Ruminations from the Meat Dept.
665. Bubble Elevator
666. Boat-nomics
667. Very Neighborly
668. Axe-man Moves In
669. Infinite Prairie
670. I'm the Leak
671. Let's Blow This Top
672. eRingmaster
673. M.C. Emcee's No Spin Table Zone
     
674. 973 Word-things Per Minute
675. Electrolyte Phantastic On Your Screen!
676. Untitled2
677. No Strike Zone: The Cricket Critic
678. Bears Do It, Fish Do It ... Let's Get to It
679. Rapid-Fire Canon
680. One-Stop Blog
681. Machines Are All Around Us
682. BURN!!!!!!
683. Outdated and Unused
684. Midknight Cubicle
685. Consider It Crashed
686. Winks All Around
687. What You Should Need
688. Ten More Facts ...
     
689. Endless Ladder
690. Future Blog in the Year 2658
691. And It Begins
692. Eight Ball Ape's Predictions
693. Jared's Mind Massacre
694. Krab Soup
695. Oddities From The Olde Worlde
696. Dispatches from Wayne
697. Roulette Wheel Confessions
698. The Whole Ice Berg
699. E Pluribus Dorkus
700. Aquarium Erotica
     

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Ted Pigeon

Like the title of his blog, The Cinematic Art: Transcending Space and Time, Ted Pigeon is never short on words. Ted spreads these words over a wide variety of cinematic topics, usually delving deep beneath the surface on subjects such as visuality, technology or blogging itself. Contained in this latter category is a post I think every blogger should read: Why Blogging Is Essential. Ted asks a lot of tough questions in this post, his media background adds a great angle to it, and it's even inspired me to do a similar writing in the near future. While Ted ponders the role of blogs in that post, The Cinematic Art is proof itself of the medium, since he's clearly not content with the usual avenues of film media and often dips into subjects that are far from ordinary.

BLOW UP YOUR CANONS: 'Somewhere along the line, we formed these cultural conventions which inform us that certain kinds of stories are more ridiculous than others, which I don't like. If a film garners a response, then it's done something right. And no genre and set of stylistic techniques are good or bad in my mind. Ultimately, it all comes down to what Ebert says: a film is not about what it is about, but how it is about it.'

KISS KISS BANG BANG: 'The Kissing Montage from Cinema Paradiso is the epitome of movie magic. It's pure feeling, the kind of emotion that I can't quite identify, the kind that is synonomous with cinema. It's the uncertainty, the ambiguity that I love most about cinema. Sometimes, a certain film can evoke and reveal so much emotion that you can't even process in the rational, easily categorized manner we've all been trained to do. Cinema has the power to transcend the easily defined borders of the world of languages and social institutions. Storytelling as manifested in moving images represents a magic that, as Kubrick says, no other art form can hope to tackle.'

TRAVELING WITHOUT MOVING: 'Raiders of the Lost Ark. A big area of my current studies focuses on the idea of visual literacy and how the term itself is problematic. In short, I would argue that while one needs to possess some form of language to interpret moving images in a narrative context, images are not a language. [Raiders is] all about energy through motion. It creates a world and an atmosphere and rushes you through it like a roller-coaster ride. The dialogue and plot are almost besides the point.

WORDS TO LIVE BY: 'In Adaptation, when Donald tells Andy Kaufman: "You are what you love, not what loves you." I cannot tell you how this scene affected me so deeply at the end of the film, but it did. I had just seen one of the most absurd, weird, and profoundly moving films of my life and that mantra has always such with me as an inspiration and a bittersweet proclamation of loneliness. [Also,] Roy's speech at the end of Blade Runner: "All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain." Both this and the Adaptation scene represent speeches that are culminations of amazing cinematic experiences for me. These two films mean very much to me. In their own ways, they ask questions central to human experience and existence, and they both resonate so strongly.'

BUT WHAT A JOB IT IS: 'Andy Horbal recently wrote that he considers film study less and less a relexation or hobby, but more like a job. That's essentially how I feel. I keep a log of everything I see and hold a list of films I'd like to see in the future. I try to keep a rigiorous schedule but I don't always stick to it. Right now, I'd guess I see on average about three movies a week. I do, however, see movies in pieces more now, which has been a really interesting way of seeing films. I try never to watch a movie in pieces the first time I see it, but I think it is essential to see movies you're familiar with broken down. It's a great way of getting into the mechanics of the film and to understand how it's doing what it's doing.'

THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN: 'I guess I'm predictable, but I always watch Halloween on Halloween. If I have time, I'll double bill it with another horror film such as A Nightmare on Elm Street or perhaps an Argento or Carpenter film. David Cronenberg's films for some reason strike a chord with me in the colder times or year, with the exception of A History of Violence, which for some reason I associate with the dying heat of late summer, which is when I first saw it.'

BAD THINGS, MAN: 'As many have said before, seeing a movie deemed "bad" by most can actually be a very interesting experience. I don't subscribe to mainstream critical thought in that certain genres are bad or certain kinds of stories are poor, that there can be too much sex or violence or any other potentially offensive concept.'

RUSTY CAGE: 'When I was working at a video store through high school and some of college, I used to watch movies constantly. My world had been opened. Growing up in a conservative Christian-Catholic house, my choices for film viewing were very limited. But when I hit my teen years and beyond, I watched movies constantly, whenever I could through high school and college. It's slowed down recently due to my being in grad school and having a great deal more responsibility, but I make it a point to do it.'

IN THE YEAR 2000 . . . : 'It may seem unimportant, but in 2000, I made the decision for the first time to see a movie by myself at the movies. Any young person who has ever made such a decision well knows that this is much more difficult than it seems. You are standing up and saying, "I respect cinema as an artistic form and not a social endeavor or economic enterprise." I applaud anyone brave enough to do it. It's a scary experience, but like anything else that's new and different, you learn that stepping outside of such pre-determined ways of living is enriching and essential to experiencing life for one's self. I had encouragement from a teacher of mine to do it, and I couldn't be more gracious for him pushing me to make that step. Because it has an instrumental point in my life that helped shape who I am now and allowed me the opportunity not just to have so many wonderful cinematic experiences in the years to follow with so many different kinds of films, but it gave me a unique perspective in all areas of my life as I headed into college from a social and educational perspective.'

Contact DVD Panache if you are interested in contributing to Friday Screen Test.

A Splendid Feast

Like most of you, my knowledge of Eli Roth's slasher Thanksgiving was limited to the infamous trailer, which has become a staple side dish for midnight double features (I saw it earlier this year in between Planet Terror and Death Proof in a sparsely attended grind-house theater). Due to distribution hangups, Thanksgiving can only be obtained through select Asian markets (under the Japanese translation of Mashed Brains Potatoes), so you can imagine my surprise when I found a copy in the bargain bin of a nearly out of business convenience store. After watching Thanksgiving, it's a shame that it will likely never be seen in most markets, because it's one helluva ride.

We've all seen (and maybe gagged at) the gross-out gore in the Thanksgiving trailer, but what you don't see in the trailer is a carefully directed story of simmering violence and repressed sexuality. Roth opens with a scene at a Thanksgiving table in Plymouth, Mass., in 1972. The camera pans along the various side dishes, and what at first seems like a normal holiday dinner is shattered when the turkey is slammed down at the center, where it is revealed that everyone at the table is dead. We do not see the apparent culprit's face, only that he glazes the bird with blood (leading to a title card freeze frame -- beautiful).

Fast forward 30 years, and Plymouth is gearing up for its famed Thanksgiving parade. The whole town is in a festive spirit, but the anniversary of the Plummer Family Massacre (which a crazed woman is quick to remind us was never solved) is never far from their thoughts -- especially since Judy Plummer (Jordan Ladd), the family's last remaining kin has just moved back into town. Plymouth has tried to move on from the grisly crime by demolishing the old Plummer house, but we soon find that old habits die hard. On her way to the parade, Liz thinks she sees someone in a pilgrim costume looking at her from a distance, but each time the person is gone when she looks back. The events leading up to the parade (such as the needless run-ins with the mayor) border on plodding, but once we get to the festivities, Thanksgiving never lets up.

At the parade, we see the apparent killer mingling in the crowd, and it is here that Roth makes a bold choice: instead of having the villain covertly kill the first victim, Roth has the masked pilgrim step into the parade and lop off the head of the marching turkey mascot. It's the first of many shocking scenes, and Roth sells the terror by having the killer make a believable exit amid the ensuing chaos.

The raw brutality glimpsed in the parade kickstarts a series of 'can I top this?' killings by the villain. This middle section of Thanksgiving is standard horror fare (all the disposable characters meeting their demise), but Roth does it in his own style that keeps your interest better than most slashers. Yes there's the infamous trampoline kill, but that's probably the fourth-worst death in the whole goddamn movie -- the 'knife from below' ploy is used a few times, and never better than with an unlucky coed (who we have never seen before) who decides to go out on the lake in her inflatable raft. The absurdity of this scene is spectacular -- who goes out on a lake during Thanksgiving, and was the killer waiting for her that whole time? No matter, Roth makes it work (bringing new meaning to the term 'dead astern').


The much-maligned trampoline scene is actually more tame than the trailer would suggest -- the cheerleader actually survives that scene and gives the pilgrim a pretty good fight near the end (though it's hard to believe she would get on a pommel horse given the trauma she experienced in her previous attempt at gymnastics).

As townspeople are murdered left and right, Plymouth starts to crumble, with a town meeting called to find the killer that degenerates into senseless killings by the citizens themselves. While Plymouth's leaders and authorities are occupied, Thanksgiving really shifts it into high gear with a final act that shifts manically between ridiculous ('Can you please pass the -- BRAINS!?!') and clever (Judy's escape in the woodshed -- wow!). The oft-criticized horrific dinner scene from the trailer takes place during the climax, and I'm proud to report that the final product is much worse than anything the trailer shows. Roth doesn't pull any punches here: he gives us the awful turkey, but in the true spirit of the holiday, he keeps on giving.


Roth's masterwork is keeping the identity of the killer a true secret up until 'dessert' is served. When the mask is pulled away, the identity revealed is a genuine surprise and actually ties up a few loose ends of the plot which at that point I had given up on. *Slight spoiler* I've heard the criticism that the villain's identity makes no sense, but if you focus on the cafe scene in the beginning (in between the chef's food innuendos), it seems to tie together nicely.

It's too bad that Thanksgiving essentially relegated Roth to direct-to-DVD forever, because outside of a few questionably explicit sex scenes (the second cheerleader 'practice' in particular), there's really nothing that you haven't seen in a mainstream Hollywood slasher. If there's one aspect of the movie that doesn't come through well on the Asian DVD, it's the soundtrack. Originally composed by Dave Mustaine (from his still unreleased '. . . and a Side of Death' solo album), the Asian distributors apparently couldn't get the rights -- which makes a U.S. DVD release that much more essential.

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Tuwa

Just when you think you've seen everything the film blogosphere has to offer, you stumble upon Tuwa's Stairs in Movies, which gives you exactly what the title says. Since it's told through images, Tuwa obviously has no shortage of material, but you'll be surprised how quickly it hooks you -- is it because scrolling through his pages is like descending a staircase? (Yes, I actually typed that while sober). One of the hidden pleasures in this blog is seeing which images instantly trigger your subconscious before you read the title, and others that baffle you (I recognized Eyes Wide Shut immediately, and frankly had never focused on these stairs from Ghostbusters 2 despite seeing it more times than is probably necessary). At Tuwa's Shanty and The Roots Canal, the author shows that he's quite adept at words too, and that he does quite a bit more than watch movies. Usually focusing on deep and entertaining music analysis, Tuwa occasionally drifts over to film, and I am thankful for this: his mega series on all elements of the Invasion of the Body Snatchers movies was a true wonder (10 posts long!).

NO PAIN, NO GAIN: 'I have a perverse fondness for Killer Workout, a.k.a. Aerobicide: bad acting, a ridiculous plot, shallow characterization, and hilarious dialogue (a man swings a fist at another man, who catches his arm. "You just made a mistake." They fight, slowly and carefully). The dialogue, plot, and characterization are all signs of a profound misunderstanding of how the world works (from police procedure to business management to things it's okay to do on your first day at work) -- in short it's so bad it's good, just short of great.'

NOW SHOWING AT CINEMA TUWA: 'Antonia's Line and The Station Agent. I've probably been watching all the wrong films, but these two strike me as memorable (and commendable) for their warmth and humanism.'

AND NOW THE SCREAMING STARTS: The scene with Clarice in the dark in Bufallo Bill's basement. The Changeling, when John wakes up to the noise in the pipes, and then again when Claire goes to the top of the stairs. And Night of the Living Dead, nearly all of it.

I BET YOU WISH THERE WERE 48 HOURS TO EACH DAY: 'Three or four [movies] a week, usually more at the beginning of a semester and a lot fewer at the end as work stacks up.'

STAIRS IN MOVIES?: 'I have a silly sense of humor and I like the perverse & rigid format of it. Ah ... I didn't really have any expectations in starting it, except that stairs would probably give a better sense of dimension than doors. I used to think there wasn't any philosophy behind it but I'm not so sure anymore. Recently I realized again that I like to watch just parts of favorite films: Fanny and Alexander until the collapse onstage, or Tootsie until the first scene walking down the sidewalk in drag.... Girish talked about this once; to me it's like meeting an old friend at a cafe, then going your separate ways. I guess the images remind me of that principle of Gestalt psychology, that if you see a dog's head looking at you from around a tree, you can't not imagine the rest of a dog behind the trunk.'

STAY IN YOUR SEAT: '[Walking out] distracts the rest of the audience. But if I'm watching a boring film by myself at home I'll turn it off, especially if it's also annoying. I don't do it often; I remember Wise Blood was one of them and one of Cassavetes' was another. Sacrilege, I know.'

REMEMBER YOUR LINES: 'I've probably adopted more [dialogue] of Seinfeld and The Simpsons, though for awhile I was fond of "just put that anywhere"; and "he's a good man, and thorough."

IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR: '1996: I grew up with an intense love for reading, no cable, and no VCR, so I'd seen maybe 100 films before then. Then I set out to learn something about film, starting with Videohound's Golden Movie Retriever as my guide dog. From August to December '96 I was introduced to a few bad films but a lot more great ones: Rear Window, Stop Making Sense, Paths of Glory, M.A.S.H., Mean Streets, The 400 Blows, The Seventh Seal, A Clockwork Orange, Strangers on a Train, North by Northwest, Belle de Jour, Raging Bull, Fargo, Koyaanisqatsi, Schindler's List, Damage, 2001, Citizen Kane, The Bicycle Thief, Aguirre: the Wrath of God.....'

Contact DVD Panache if you are interested in contributing to Friday Screen Test.

Giving Thanks

I set my expectations for Grindhouse at a usually impossible level. I couldn't believe a movie like this was going to be made, and upon reading the initial specs I had these instant thoughts: Danny Trejo must be involved in one way or another; Good God what is Rodriguez going to cook up? How will this be marketed? Good God what will Tarantino cook up? And the fake trailers will surely be one of my favorite cinema experiences of the year. While I had high hopes for Grindhouse, my expectations for the trailers were set at 'hungover Simon Cowell level' ... and were promptly exceeded. My Grindhouse experience was so wonderfully fun, that thanks need to be given out to many parties -- with the first to Eli Roth for putting me in a thanksgiving mood.

... to Eli Roth: Wow, where to begin? Your fake Thanksgiving trailer was a marvel of perfectly timed grotesque comedy that seemed to rev up the audience for Death Proof. Before the Zuckers (or whoever is passing themselves off as the Zuckers) try to release another 'satire' movie, maybe they should take a look at this trailer -- which shows that when done right, modern satire can be viciously funny and entertaining. It helps Roth that he knows the satire subject inside (ahem) and out, and that he is using a medium that affords him great strings of beats, one playing off the other with nothing in between. The much-rumored 'main course' of the trailer probably came the closest of anything since my first viewing of The Big Lebowski to ejecting me from my theater seat -- on paper this imagery would sound vile to the point of criminal charges in some countries (or states), but in the context and timing of the trailer it becomes one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Same goes for the infamous 'bounce kill' that the MPAA winced at -- it's the kind of thing you can't even explain to someone without making them back away slowly, but the way it's handled (the barely interested rat-faced boyfriend, the girl's strange enthusiasm, how the payoff comes about with no warning) is perfect. Sanity test: with this aforementioned scene, did anyone else see it as a cruel wink to the similar scene in the wretched 80s Brad Pitt slasher Cutting Class? Can anyone else admit to seeing Cutting Class? One more note: I'd like to believe that the cruel 80s trailer of Boarding House was one of Roth's main inspirations for Thanksgiving (not on YouTube, but found on many VHS copies of exploitation flicks -- see Necromancy, The Cheerleaders).

. . .to Rob Zombie: For informing me that we have the same sense of humor. I'm one of the few who liked his Werewolf Women of the SS trailer, sure it's bizarre and a little bit out of place, but how can you not love his shot of the zombie officer firing the machine gun while flanked by beautiful Nazi women? Or the fact that his trailer uses this exact same shot no less than three times? Whereas the other trailers have a Saturday Night Live feel, Werewolf Women seems like it was rejected from The Kids in the Hall. I loved how Zombie used his cameo actors, referring to them by name, but giving us just a quick (barely in focus) shot of them -- save for the biggie at the end.

. . .to the cast of Planet Terror: Part of the brilliance of Grindhouse is the contrast between the two features, and one aspect of this is that Planet Terror could probably stand on its own as a regular release, whereas Death Proof in all fairness would never have been made outside of this medium (in no way a slight on QT's movie, much more on this later). What makes Planet Terror the exception and places it a realm outside normal zombie fare is the high level of talent and sheer number of quality characters packed into an 85 minute horror movie. This element gives Planet Terror a frantic undertone that exacerbates the onscreen mayhem. The camera never lingers on one character long enough for them to get stale, but Lord knows we could have used even a little more Josh Brolin -- what a great character for the actor who started out as the asshole older brother in The Goonies!

. . .to Rose McGowan: For finally finding a role and putting in a performance that shows us just what she's capable of. As much as Rodriguez is lauded as a technical director, you have to give him credit for coaxing the stripper Cherry out of McGowan. For most of her career, McGowan has drawn on her base as a true vamp to pump out seething bitchiness and cold stares, but in Grindhouse she actually comes off as sweet and down-on-her-luck, maybe the first 'girl next door' that Rodriguez has ever cast. This quality allows her comedic beats to come on more naturally which in turn brings out more of the pouty vamp quality that Jennifer Tilly perfected long ago. I remember first seeing McGowan in Scream, where she had a small role and a smaller sweater -- which is probably what I remember more. Since then she's done quite a few duds, and her involvement in Charmed put her on hiatus from films for a few years. Hopefully Planet Terror will give her the opportunities her fans have been clamoring for.

. . . to Kurt Russell: For being Kurt Russell. Watching him as Stunt Man Mike in Death Proof makes you thank the movie gods that there is a Kurt Russell -- Tarantino lets him go to work. He has that familiar half-John Wayne accent combined with the 80s hair do that still looks good on him and probably four other men on the planet -- he's Kurt again. There are at least a couple generations of moviegoers who adore Kurt no matter what (look at what he gave us in the 70s and 80s), but Stunt Man Mike proves that his ageless quality goes more than skindeep -- he can still pull off the characters that utilize his brand of being a working man's action hero.

. . . to Zoe Bell: I wasn't a style="font-style: italic;">Kill Bill fan, nor have I ever watched Xena: Warrior Princess, so forgive me if I had never heard of Zoe Bell or even realized she was playing herself in Death Proof. This girl is something else: she's at once a modern day Karen Allen and the one girl on the college softball team you knew. She draws your attention in all her scenes, but does not look like a Hollywood actress. Bell is part of the reason Grindhouse will have a lasting legacy, because she will never have a better role in her career. Bell plays herself, and as such brings a breath of fresh blood to the screen, unburdened by any cliches or a conventional script, and promptly steals the show in the final act and ends the movie with a kick that leaves the audience cheering.

. . .to Quentin Tarantino: For proving us wrong. So much of the talk leading up to Grindhouse was that QT was a true aficionado of the genre, who worshiped exploitation flicks and had owned hundreds of prints of obscure blood and tit fests. With that in mind, it's amazing to see QT's restraint in Death Proof, the slow burn that he lets simmer for half the movie, with no exploitative sex or shocks to be found. To those wondering if Death Proof belonged in a feature called Grindhouse, check out some of the calendar he programmed for the Grindhouse Film Festival at the New Beverly Theater in Los Angeles: Rolling Thunder, The Town that Feared Sundown and Return to Macon County. Tarantino obviously knows the 'grindhouse' concept better than most, and he knows that not all of the films that typified that age were bizarre, blood-soaked flicks. Many of them were like Death Proof, a movie that appealed to a certain demographic and didn't have the support of a big studio behind it. While I didn't appreciate the tomes of dialog that QT threw at us in some scenes, you can't help but marvel as Death Proof turns into a monster of an adventure -- building and building until a fantastic climax that just happens to coincide with 'The End' being sprayed across the screen. It's quite a trip.

But . . . I can't give all thanks to Grindhouse, it's not a perfect film -- but who expected it to be? My criticisms are probably similar to others': Tarantino's cameos were unneeded and only damaged the mood of the scenes; the long spouts of dialog in Planet Terror are neither interesting or entertaining; and Planet Terror too often wanders into a silly world that his movies at some point or another inhabit, a trend he will someday outgrow I hope. I only have one gripe with an issue that many have brought up: the near complete lack of nudity and sex, a staple of the genre. I wasn't disappointed by this because one early scene tipped me off to it: after the opening credits we follow Cherry into the changing room of her strip club, and the most we see is a pair of pasty-covered silicone bags. If there's no nudity in that scene, why would there be at any other point? But this puzzles me -- why not have some accurate level of boobage in that kind of setting, seeing as Rodriguez tries for most of the running time to shock our senses and test our limits? I wasn't expecting anything sexual in Death Proof, because Tarantino's movies almost always sidestep this, with his characters usually choosing to express their sexuality with weapons or cars.

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You may have noticed the row of pictures on the right, it's my latest attempt to take more advantage of my sidebars. I chose this route because I often find myself staring at bizarrely fascinating and befuddling pictures on the Net, and why not share them? I'm addicted to a variety of random image generators, so you'll soon be seeing a better variety than what's there now (this is just a dry-run).

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Damian Arlyn

In addition to his good fortune of having a name that sounds like a Sherlock Holmes villain (and yes, that is a good thing), getting his picture taken with Ben Stein and having a name that sounds like a Sherlock Holmes villain, Damian Arlyn is one of those lucky souls who has a film blog. At Windmills of My Mind, Damian keeps the pinwheel spinning on topics such as windmills, elevators, parking etiquette and also film. Since he works at an independent video store (one of the few in Oregon I haven't visited, natch), Damian is able to discreetly rent movies of adult nature, but he probably stays far away from those and invests most of his time in the finer cinema selections -- as evidenced by his ear for great scores.

(RE)MADE MAN: 'I am fascinated by remakes that aren't strictly remakes; in other words, new films that take the same premise, plot and basic storyline from a classic film, but create their own characters and their own distinct "take" on the events. Oftentimes these movies work much better than if the filmmaker had just done a straight remake. If I were to ever have my own revival theater I would do a lot of double features highlighting these films (such as Double Indemnity and Body Heat, The Lady Vanishes and Flightplan, Bringing Up Baby and What's Up, Doc?).'

MOTHER!: 'There are several sequences in Psycho that still unnerve me to this day. That marvelous scene (done in one uniterrupted shot) where Norman walks up the stairs, enters the bedroom and talks with "mother" while the camera slowly floats up after him and perches itself above the door. Also, that final spine-tingling shot where the killer looks right into the camera... I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.'

ONE MAN'S GARBAGE ...: 'I must confess that I happen to love the movie Van Helsing. Yes, it's awful; yes, it's big and overblown; yes, there is not one ounce if subtlety in a single frame. But it's all so wonderfully absurd, so unabashedly silly, so unapologetic in its cheesiness that I think it makes for a very enjoyable viewing experience. The filmmakers clearly didn't take it seriosuly so why should I?'

WE'LL SEE WHAT SHERLOCK SAYS: 'I would say that I generally watch somewhere between one and two movies a day.'

DIFFERENT SEASONS: 'Oustide of the normal holiday movies (It's a Wonderful Life at Christmas, Young Frankenstein at Halloween, etc) I have to watch Jaws at least once every summer. To me, it's the ultimate summer movie. Not just because it essentially started the summer blockbuster phenomenon, but because it actually takes place in the summer!'

TELL IT TO THE JUDGE: 'I have on occasion talked during a movie. Never loudly. Usually just under my breath to myself, but it has annoyed some of the people in my immediate vicinity.'

HE'S THE MAN: '"Schindler's List," the film that changed my life. I remember thinking "If movies can do THAT, then they can do anything!" I was 17-years- old and had just started to become aware of movies as art and not just entertainment. I saw it six months after viewing "Jurassic Park," a film which I was also blown away by but not necessarily "surprised" by
(except in terms of special effcts). I felt it was a real "return to form" for Spielberg, the kind of movie I knew he could make. I had no idea, however, that he was capable of making a film like "Schindler's List." Something so deep, so powerful, so subtle and so beautiful. Watching it I
thought to myself: "The same man did both of these films? This can't be the same man!" That film convinced me of his enormous talent and astounding versatility. He's been my favorite director ever since. Also, just as a film, I found "Schindler's List" immensely powerful and incredibly moving. It opened my eyes to the potential of cinema, not necessarily in telling
stories about the Holocaust but in dealing with very serious subjects in an honest and meaningful way. It also made me want to be a better human being. How many films can you say that about?'

WHERE ART THOU, BOB HOSKINS?: 'I don't really believe in not finishing a movie once I've started it. The only time I've ever walked out of a film halfway through it was when I was forced to do so by the people I went to see it with (my family). The movie was "Super Mario Bros." I didn't particularly like it up until that point but I didn't hate it either. Years later I actually finished it. We didn't miss anything.'

Contact DVD Panache if you are interested in contributing to Friday Screen Test.

The Real Grindhouse: A Double Feature of Sexy School Spirit and Stylish Zombies

By Charles Fontaine

The best movies of all time contain some combination of sex, drugs & death and were produced in the 70's; if you believe this statement, then you probably believe Grindhouse will be one of the greatest movie-going experiences in a decade, and you might not be wrong.
As a second-generation exploitation film junkie with a video stock pushing 1500, I have dedicated thousands upon thousands of hours to wading through the worst, vilest, most shoddily produced pieces of motion picture trash in order to find rare garbage that shines. There are a few gemstones that make the effort worth my time: grade-Z movies produced with enough love and creativity to elicit fear from Hollywood producers and threaten the stronghold of their monopoly.

The quality of grade-Z movies (or "grindhouse cinema" or "exploitation films" or "B-movies") reached its absolute peak in the 70's. Such cinema and its popularity contributed to creating one of the most resonant phenomena of the 20th century: when Hollywood studios turned to the little guys for inspiration, and mainstream theaters sold tickets to an abundance of the greatest motion pictures ever made.

In homage to the movies that created a revolution, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino will release Grindhouse, a back-to-back presentation of exploitation movies, on April 6 of 2007. And in homage to that revolutionary event, here's a back-to-back breakdown of two quintessential Grindhouse genres and summaries of some defining movies: the rare gemstones that shine through the mud.

# 1: The Pom Pom Girls
The 70's teen sex comedy typically created a vision of adolescence like we always wanted it to be. Unlike the sleazy, direct-to-video adolescent sex romps littering New Release shelves of today, 70's sex comedies often presented adolescence as a period of innocence when kids wanted nothing more than sunshine, good times and love. No single film channels this vibe better than The Pom Pom Girls. Produced by Crown International Pictures in '76, PPG was a drive-in smash hit, garnering approximately $20 million. The movie contains very little plot; football players score with the best girls, kids play pranks on each other and question authority, smoke pot, and enjoy life. If this sounds familiar, it's because Richard Linklater copied the concept verbatim when he made Dazed and Confused in '93. While that movie gave us a sense of what it could have been like to be in high school during the late 70's, The Pom Pom Girls presents a near-perfect image of youth in the sunshine era; it's apparent the kids in the movie enjoy life, on camera and off of it, and their love is genuine.

Some other movies produced by Crown International do a similarly amazing job of capturing the essence of youth and love in the 70's, most notably Malibu Beach, The Van, Van Nuys Blvd and The Beach Girls. While Malibu Beach is similar in tone to Pom Pom Girls (very innocent and loving), The Van and Van Nuys Blvd are slightly more sleazy, but still jam-packed with sunshine and good times. Both movies are about a guy who drives a van and uses it to score chicks, but The Van has a few more memorable characters, quotes and moments than Van Nuys Blvd. The Van also contains a cross-over character, the bully named Dugan, who returns in Malibu Beach: a little older and a little wiser the second time around, showing us The Progression of An Asshole over time, how his antics come back to haunt him, and how he must stop humping the dreams of youth and progress into adulthood. But fuck adulthood, because "it's worth every treasure on earth to be young at heart," and youth has never been more beautiful than it was in the 70's, so if you need more memories of good times that you never had, check out Revenge of the Cheerleaders, in which life-loving cheerleaders have an orgy with the football team in the locker-room after spiking the lunch lady's stew with marijuana, cocaine and a variety of other substances. And for further 70's cheerleader antics, see The Swinging Cheerleaders, Satan's Cheerleaders, Cheering Section and Cheerleader's Wild Weekend. If you burn out on cheerleaders, there's always Gas Pump Girls, and if you wonder how or why sex comedies were less sleazy in the 70's than they were in later decades, compare Gas Pump Girls to it's 80's remake, The Bikini Carwash Company, and see where love died and emotionless sex took over...

As a brief interlude to our double breakdown, here's glance at some classic exploitation genres and suggestions for heavenly viewing:

In you're into post-apocalyptic flicks, and you've seen The Road Warrior too many times, check out Exterminators in the Year 3000 and Warriors of the Wasteland for good gore and action with football pads, spikes and machinery. If you like cheesy entertainment and want the most ridiculous of the post apocalypse, go for America 3000 and Warrior of the Lost World. They're effin woggos! And if you ever wanted to become a vigilante but were too intelligent to get involved in law-enforcement, Young Warriors and Street Law will fill your void. But if you've been raped and seek revenge, you'll want to view Thriller: A Cruel Picture, Ms. 45, I Spit on Your Grave, and Last House on the Left. Some people might want even more demented movies, those should explore SS galore: Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, SS Girls, SS Experimentation Love Camp, SS Hell Camp, and Love Camp 7 (I haven't seen all of these yet, so let me know which are the best, or worst). And if you feel you still haven't reached the hottest seat in hell, and you seek the most depraved, degraded, fucked-up shit ever, you will need to see Emanuelle in America, Blue Movie (1978) and Nekromantik 2. If those movies don't satisfy your urge to taint everything, call me; we'll hang out.

Next up: Zombie (and other Italian horrors)
Thanks to Italian filmmakers, people who loved George Romero's Dawn of the Dead can find about 3 dozen cheap rip-offs if they look hard enough. Of all the zombie movies produced in Italy in response Romero's masterpiece, none has been distributed more thoroughly than Lucio Fulci's magnificent Zombie. The movie pays homage to early zombie movies of the 30's, 40's and 50's, taking place on a deserted island where a mad doctor conducts experiments. Unlike early zombie movies, however, Fulci's Zombie is loaded with gore, style, and some of the creepiest music and zombies ever projected into a theater. Fulci followed zombie with two psuedo-sequels: The Beyond and House by the Cemetery. But Umberto Lenzi took the genre to new heights in 1980 with Nightmare City, perhaps the first movie about zombies who attack their prey with full force and run at high-speeds (this idea would be recycled two decades later in 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead). Though the zombies of Nightmare City look like they have nothing more than mud smeared on their faces, the music and style of the film makes up for it.

Most Italian horror movies of the era are very similar in tone: the music is atypically eerie (synthesized pipe-organ with a slight techno beat); the shot composition is almost always outstanding, and the camera movement is quick and jarring, sometimes exhibiting multiple zooms within a single shot. When style wasn't enough though, the Italians went for shock value. Burial Ground starts out as an average story about zombies hunting humans in an old castle, but the movie progresses into depravity as one of the main characters (a dwarf-like child) reveals his sexual obsession with his mother. Near the end of the movie, he becomes a zombie, his grieving mother offers her bare breast for him, and he bites it off (!). As Italian filmmakers looked for more and more disturbing ways to shock people, director Lamberto Bava found a niche like none other with Frozen Terror (aka Macabro, aka Macabre). The movie begins on a young girl drowning her brother in the bathtub. At the same time, their mother cheats on her husband at a distant residence. The woman comes home and sees her dead son (and her lying daughter gets away with murder), simultaneously, the woman's lover dies in freak motorcycle accident that leaves him decapitated. The film progresses, and the woman continues to dodge her motherly duties, disappearing into an apartment that she rents from a blind landlord; in the apartment, she hides something in the freezer, something the blind man can hear her making love to at night. Can you guess what that object is?

Beyond flesh-eating, beyond incest, beyond sex with death, lies the Italian cannibal movie: the single most shocking genre ever parlayed into money. There are maybe 2 dozen of these, and I won't tell you why they're the vilest, most heinous movies ever made. If you want to find out, you'll see Cannibal Holocaust, the mother of all Cannibal movies, and then you'll want to see more, so you'll probably check out Cannibal Ferox or Eaten Alive (1980), or one of the many others you can find by cross referencing any of these three on imdb. If you're lucky enough to have a father like mine, you can just borrow his book on Italian zombie and cannibal movies. Then all you need is Internet, money, time, and a place where you can sit and watch these movies without people questioning you're sanity.

But forget everything I mentioned above. Just go see Grindhouse this weekend. And hope that the bureaucratic, corporate, Hollywood monopoly wanes for an instant like it did in the 70's, so we can all go to the multiplex once or twice a week to see good movies. It's been awhile.
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Charles Fontaine is a writer and video junkie on the Oregon Coast.