Saturday, December 16, 2006

When movie worlds collide

Over at superblog The House Next Door, there's an excellent post and subsequent slew of comments that started with a simple, yet hilarious idea: combine like titles of movies, and sift through the resulting madness. I couldn't help but be drawn in by this brilliance, so I offer some of my own (original) creations:

The Poseidon Adventures in Babysitting
A Chicago babysitter (Elizabeth Shue) is supervising some unruly kids, and their routine trip downtown leads them to unwittingly board a Lake Michigan ferry. The ferry's captain (Leslie Neilson) ignores the weather reports and presses on into the face of a typical Lake Michigan tidal wave, which overturns the ferry. Not only do the babysitter and kids have to fight through danger to reach the top (bottom) of the capsized ship, but they must do it before the 'rents get home!

Road House of 1000 Corpses
James Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is one of the best bouncers in the business, but his latest job might be a little too tough even for him: keeping a murderous family's house in order, and restoring justice in a small town that is ruled by the cold-hearted Jasper Kingpin. Dalton brings his own style to the Firefly family, such as wet t-shirt competitions on Friday and a new rule: be nice.

The Day This Island Earth Stood Still
The most confusing science fiction movie ever made: two parrallel story lines see a flying saucer land in front of the White House with a peace ultimatum from beyond the stars, while a scientist boards a different flying saucer to try and save a dying planet (Metaluna), which ignored the first flying saucer's peace ultimatum a few weeks ago. The Soderbergh-esque give-and-take between the storylines ends with a shocking confrontation between a Metaluna mutant and Gort on the White House lawn.

The Truth About Reservoir Cats and Dogs
This charming mistaken identity romance-cum-robbery shootout yarn starts with a radio DJ (Janeane Garofalo) seducing a listener, who then ends up with the wrong girl. The whole mess is sorted out while the gang plans a jewel robbery, which goes horribly wrong -- leading to a shocking scene where Natalie Portman cuts a policeman's ear off and all the characters are killed at the end.

The Bridge On the River Wild
A family on a rafting trip is taken hostage by a group of Japanese soldiers who force them to build a bridge across the Colorado River. The mother (Meryl Streep) slowly gains pride in their impossible task and eventually finishes the bridge -- leading to the suspenseful climax of Kevin Bacon and Alec Guinness battling over a detonator and some bizarre scene where the family's raft jumps over the bridge via cables.

Ed Woodsman
A child molester (Kevin Bacon) returns to Hollywood after 12 years in prison, bent on starting a new life. In order to mask his past, Bacon starts a prolific career in directing Z-grade horror movies, partially financed by the Baptist Church. On the verge of stardom with his latest movie, his past is revealed to his employers and the financing is cut. Put on trial again, the director is able to force an aquittal after blaming his crimes on the fact that he's haunted by the ghost of Bela Lugosi (Martin Landau).

The Glengarry Glenlivet
Adapted from David Mamet's harrowing tale of liquor salesman, the story follows Shelly Levine (Jack Lemmon) as he tries in vain one night to sell a gross of off-brand scotch to unwanting customers. Alec Baldwin gives an inspired performance as a motivational speaker from Seagrams who tries to motivate the group of salesmen. Contains the classic line: 'Irish Coffee's for closers!'

The Wicker Man's Best Friend
A genetically mutated, killing-machine of a dog is accidentally released from a laboratory, and the canine eventually makes its way to a remote island off the coast of Scotland, where the locals practice an ancient religion. Despite several maulings, the locals are accepting of the vicious dog, who is trying to solve a mystery of a vanished girl. The dog can't find any answers, and at the end is lured by a trail of beef jerkey to the 'Wicker Man' and is burned alive.

American Pie 5: The Naked Lunch Mile
The latest entry in the American Pie series finds a younger Stiffler at a posh liberal arts school with a strange tradition for freshmen. A mile-long pathway on campus is transformed into scenes from the David Lynch movie 'Naked Lunch,' and participants must make it all the way through without vomiting or dying -- or else suffer four years of humiliation. The competition starts with runners having to sniff bug powder and shoot an apple off a coed's head, but things get much more difficult later on in the 'Interzone' part of the mile when runners have to dodge flying typewriters and escape the grasp of an S&M maid before finally attempting to break up a cartel selling alien blood as drugs.

Stranger Than Pulp Fiction
Will Ferrell plays Harold Crick, whose life is narrated by Jules (Samuel L. Jackson), a hit man who writes novels in his spare time. Things get weird when Crick gets caught up in the criminal underworld, leading to him shooting John Travolta out of frustration.

Sexy Beastmaster
Gal (Ray Winstone) is an ex-con who took his wife and his powers to communicate with animals to the seclusion of Spain. This peace is interrupted when Dar (Marc Singer) comes back from Gal's criminal past to entice him to embark on a journey to faraway London to make one more score. In London, Gal and Dar battle acid bats, Ian McShane and bad special effects.

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