Tuesday, April 22, 2008

WORST MONTH EVER: Most embarrassing pistol-whipping

Dear WORST Magazine

My most embarrassing moment is also my most painful moment. It started innocently enough on a Saturday afternoon as I joined my buddies Chuck and Bruce in looking at the engine of my Corvette while drinking Cokes. I don't know what we were looking at, we just figured it's the kind of thing young men in the early 1970s were supposed to do.

So then this Italian thug starts walking up my driveway, and I give him the customary, "what the fuck do you want?" And instead of scaring him off, this line only agitated him, and he pulls a pistol out of his waistband.
He proceeds to give me the beating of my life, and doesn't even stop while I yell "sorry!" or "stop!" I would have expected Chuck or Bruce to step in and help me, but you know they were holding Coke bottles, so what are you going to do?
And finally when I think this bludgeoning is over, he gives me one last smash to my nose -- which was number 8 on the day if I counted correctly.
And what kind of world are we living in where a guy gets pistol whipped in his driveway? Was he too scared of me to try and use his bare hands to beat me within an inch of my life?
Then he pointed that gun at Chuck and Bruce -- hey pal, they were just drinking Coke, they didn't try to hit on your girlfriend!
Oh ya, that's the other thing -- this guy was mad at me for hitting on his wife. But if you ask me, it was more her hitting on me, what with that tennis outfit and all. Never seen the guy again, but if he comes back, I'll be ready.
--Name withheld.

1 comment:

Piper said...

Hey pal,

You're an asshole and you got off easy. I mean you slapped around a guy's girlfriend who was mobbed up.

And didn't you say "you want somethin fucker?"

But now I'm just talking fuck semantics