Tuesday, April 01, 2008

WORST MONTH EVER: In praise of Awful

Welcome to the WORST MONTH EVER. Since it's April's lone holiday, we're keeping it a little light today. Since I'm celebrating the worst of cinema all month long, I feel it is my duty to shine the light on a site that has brought me immense joy by worshiping the most awfulness of movies. Something Awful has a recurring series called the Awful Movie Database (AMDB) -- basically a brilliant way of lampooning fictional movies by creating an IMDB-like facts/trivia page for them. I'll never forget the day I discovered AMDB: I was at work and literally had to grip my hand in my mouth to avoid bursting out with laughter in a quiet, crowded office. Recent entries haven't been up to AMDB's high standards, and it took awhile for them to really hit their stride -- but I challenge you to start at Camp Juggs and try stop reading until you hit Bye-Bye Bali Baby. To warm you up for Worst Month Ever, here's some highlights of the AMDB's best:

THE LAST HEIST -- Plot holes: The film's dénouement seems to hinge upon the premise that Jack Baxter was carrying an egg in his breast pocket throughout the entire movie.

L'AVENTURE LE L'OCEAN L'FANTASMO -- Cameo: [Sir Winston Churchill] appears as the military officer who is seen breaking out windows in the science lab with the heel of a woman's shoe.

-- Wes Craven attached his name to the film after seeing a rough cut of the dream sequence in which Alyssa Milano's character gives birth to a puppet version of Adolf Hitler, believing it to be "bone-chilling" and "visceral." This same scene was later cited by critic Leonard Maltin as "one of the most unintentionally hilarious concepts since the invention of film."

111%: THE JASON BURDOCK STORY -- Memorable Quotes: Jason Burdock: I'm the tiger that ate the lion. I have a lion inside me and I'm a tiger.

-- To stay in top shape for his demanding physical performance, Dolph Lundgren ate three raw eggs, two paper towels, a rabbit pelt and an ounce of pure magnesium with every meal.

THE GODFATHER -- Revealing mistake: After Hagen is killed by the zombies, Michael gives a SWAT briefing during which he repeatedly points to Ice T's character of Papa Lobo as the source of the zombie drug. Ice T's character was written out of the script on the second draft and is never mentioned or seen otherwise in the movie.

BRUNYI KURPUTAYA AKAN AKAN -- Although it is unclear whether the filmmakers were attempting metaphor or whether they simply misperceived American culture, the film depicts most "drugs" as small children, painted gold and sealed in glass coffins.

-- Factual errors: "Aliens from outer space" technically cannot have been born on Earth and raised in Miami, Florida, no matter what alien race abducts them, brainwashes them, and transforms them into green, catlike creatures with a notepad and hat containing a "PRESS" note card in the brim.

GOIN' APE! -- Crew or equipment visible: During the second rape scene in the bungalow, director Sam Peckinpah can be seen reflected in a mirror as he chokes one of his gaffers with a length of rope.

INDIANA JONES AND THE VESSEL OF RA -- Harrison Ford ad-libbed one of the film's most memorable lines: during the scene when Indy laboriously gets up from the chaise longue to greet his father, the script originally called for him to say "Jesus, Dad, you're looking better than me these days." After dozens of frustrating takes, Ford simply panted "this... fucking couch."

Memorable Quotes:
I can't wait to get married. To you.
Adolf: Yes... marriage... it can't be beat... or CAN it? (Twirls mustache as ominous music begins to play)

CANOE -- Savvy producers avoided a possible lawsuit from Cherokee tribal leaders by including a disclaimer at the end of the film stating that, "No Cherokee Indian has ever been photographed transforming into a canoe."

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