Thursday, April 10, 2008

WORST MONTH EVER: Most awkward sex scene (Belgian subcategory)

No Sam, enough is enough!

Verifying my claim to the suckitude of April is the fact that I haven't been able to post the last few days, due to professional obligations. And speaking of "sucking" in the literal sense, Jean-Claude Van Damme's first foray into onscreen steamy "romance" is full of that.

Featuring his unofficial first sex scene, Nowhere to Run has very little going for it since Van Damme is reduced to beating up corporate henchmen trying to absorb Rosanna Arquette's house. It's surprising that Arquette continued to act after this traumatic experience: not only does she have the privilege of a weird full-frontal scene and the soon-to-be-described sexual assault from Van Damme, but her character is named "Clydie." Van Damme plays "Sam," who meets Clydie's children after being spied skinny dipping (to set up a series of penis jokes) and looking at porn in his tent (classy!). Sam meets Clydie after peeping into her bathroom while she's getting in the shower. Of course these events lead up to a romantic interlude, where the director apparently gave Van Damme the instructions of "go!"

In this most awkward of sex scenes, Sam looks not at Clydie, but at her nipple and he looks at it like a young child looks at his lolly. Sam acts on this youthful lark, and proceeds to treat Clydie's nipple like a plate of chicken wings. While her chest is being assaulted, Arquette has a look of "can someone get this pig off me?" combined with "was this in the script?" Van Damme is focused on the meal in front of him, seemingly telling Arquette "this is how we do it in downtown Brussels, baby!"

As you might expect, this whole ordeal is painful and almost embarrassing to watch. The scene might be explained by Van Damme's inexperience in this area of film, but the director may have very well been speechless by what he was watching and Arquette then threatened legal action if she ever had to have further on-set physical contact with Van Damme.


Zane said...

Sounds like Van Damme needs to take his big stick and his boyfriend and find a bus to catch...

And sounds like I need a copy of Nowhere to Run.

sir jorge said...

Van Damme? I wish he'd come back to the silver screen.

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