FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Kindertrauma

The gentlemen at Kindertrauma have an interesting business plan: readers will never forget their site simply because the nightmares they've had since reading it will likely never end. Aunt John and Uncle Lancifer form a horrifying duo who can tap into your childhood fears and present them to you in shades of pink with the Web's worst puppet looking on. In addition to spotlighting pioneering horror tots and TV traumas, the lads also invite readers to submit their worst nightmares from TV, film or even books. With Traumafessions, adults still chattering their teeth at the thought of Darby O'Gill and the Little People can share their pain with others (if you're shy, don't worry -- they're clearly open-minded). And big ups to Uncle Lancifer for opening my mind to The Thing's infamous merchandise, in what may be my favorite blog post of the year.

EARLIEST MOVIE WATCHING MEMORY: Aunt John: Wearing pajamas and watching Star Wars from the backseat of a station wagon at a drive-in New Jersey when I was four. Uncle Lancifer: My dad was kind enough to take me and my brothers to see Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster.

LAST DVD YOU BOUGHT: Aunt John: Here Comes Peter Cottontail by Rankin & Bass (it was for the site). Uncle Lancifer: I had to have the two disc special edition of The Mist. I 'm looking forward to watching it in black and white.

IF YOU WERE A TCM GUEST PROGRAMMER, WHAT THREE MOVIES WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BEST REPRESENT YOUR TASTES, OR A FAVORITE GENRE OR THEME: Aunt John: I have a huge soft spot for the Spelling/Goldberg-produced television movies of the '70s, and would love to force TCM host Robert Osborne to watch Satan's School for Girls, Crowhaven Farm, and Home for the Holidays. Uncle Lancifer: In order to represent Kindertrauma I'd pick The Shining, The Brood and Poltergeist. Heather O'Rourke is kinda our patron saint at this point.

FAVORITE GROSS-OUT MOMENT: Aunt John: Jennifer Connelly with her derriere in the air in Requiem for a Dream. Uncle Lancifer: Decapitations are what get me out of bed in the morning. Having a recently severed head sprout legs and crawl about is pure bliss. I have to go with that classic scene in The Thing.

ARE TODAY'S YOUTH ADEQUATELY TRAUMATIZED BY FILM AND TELEVISION, OR DID IT PEAK IN THE 80S?: Aunt John: I am pretty sure kids of today have their own unique sources of trauma, but I am at a loss for specifics. I'd keep an eye on that Bindi Irwin and her Crocmen though, something ain't right with them. Uncle Lancifer: Kids today are not properly traumatized and this will result in adult brats in the future!

PICK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING FOUR MOVIES, AND WRITE TWO SENTENCES ABOUT IT:
Once
One Night at McCool's
One, Two, Three
The Brave One --Aunt John: Jodie Foster is an Oscar Award winning actress. Why is she making mediocre movies best suited for Lifetime television? Uncle Lancifer: I'm not buying the idea of Foster going on a rampage to avenge her boyfriend. I do buy that she would kill you if you kidnapped her dog.

SCARIEST THING ON KINDERTRAUMA: Aunt John: The reader submitted TRAUMAFESSION about Damien: Omen 2 and Lance's accompanying article about icy deaths really creeps me out. Uncle Lancifer: The hand carved wooden statue of Baby Bop by folk artist Brian Fancy.

LAST TIME YOU WERE AT A DRIVE-IN, AND WHAT DID YOU SEE: Aunt John: 1980, Superman II… "Kneel before Zod!" Uncle Lacifer: 1981, double feature of Enter the Dragon and Dead and Buried.

TELEVISION MOVIES ARE FREQUENTLY FEATURED ON YOUR SITE, WHAT'S THE SCARIEST THING ON TV RIGHT NOW: Aunt John: I am shamelessly addicted to watching Paranormal State on A&E. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a scary show, but it's always entertaining when medium Chip Coffey turns up to wrangle the restless spirits. Uncle Lancifer: Intervention for reasons I won't get into.

LAST TIME YOU VEHEMENTLY DISAGREED WITH SOMEONE OVER FILM: Aunt John: I can hear Lance calling me insane for not liking something, but I forget what it was.
Uncle Lancifer: We had a serious fight about Sleepaway Camp 3 that's ongoing as far as I'm concerned.

FAVORITE BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF FILM: Aunt John: Girls On Film by Julie Burchill. Uncle Lancifer: If there was a fire in the house I'd go fetch Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th by Peter M. Brack first, and then I'd wake up Aunt John.

DESCRIBE THE FREQUENCY OF YOUR FILM INTAKE: Aunt John: I probably take in at least one new movie a week on top of the countless hours devoted to mindless television watching. Uncle Lancifer: At least one a day or I'll get violently ill.

THREE THINGS YOU'VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING MOVIES:
Aunt John: 1. Always check the backseat of your car for knife-wielding ne'er-do-wells (a.k.a. hiders in the hatch)
2. Never purchase a suburban home built on or near an Indian burial ground
3. Never take on Jennifer Jason Leigh as a roommate. She crazy!
Uncle Lancifer: 1. Meaning is where you find it.
2. Real life wishes it was a movie.
3.If pressed you can untwist a clothes hanger and stab someone in the eye with it.

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