Not so fast, Obama

Congratulations, Mr. Obama, you’ve accepted the presidential nomination of the Democratic Party. But why all the celebrating? I hope you’re not forgetting this little matter of the Test of the Burning Blades, are you? Have you forgotten that our nation was put under a curse millennia ago by a Chinese god, and the only way to appease him is by electing a—

What? That was just a misunderstanding? No more Test of the Burning Blades? Then why are we still funding the test and subjecting thousands of people to burnt and cut hands?

OK, so you don’t have to worry about that one, Mr. Obama, but you do know that anyone who comes to Denver (where the Treemen reside) must battle the Wood Beast, right? It’s a simple game, just stick your hand into one of these knotholes – your fate will guide you. And I don’t need to remind you that the Wood Beast’s sting is so –

No -- the Wood Beast is an endangered species now? Exploiting its deadly sting is no longer an option? What am I going to do with this giant stump?


Yes, Mr. Obama, luck seems to be on your side tonight. But there's no luck to be found inside The Cave, in there is only what you can take with you --

You're kidding, why is there an old couch inside the Cave? And a Wii is set up in there too? Goddammit, what good is the Cave if there's more inside than just what you can take with you?


So it seems like you're getting off pretty easy, Barack -- or are you? You may not know that to leave this stadium, you have to leap from the Lion's Head in a Test of Faith, you'll see that --

No. No, no, no, no. The Leap of Faith got shut down? Bunch of tourists from Nevada fell to their death? Why did they keep trying? Just exit from the loading dock. Congratulations on your nomination. Good luck giving your acceptance speech without the blessing of the Jade Monkey.