The 10 Best 'Treehouses of Horror' Tales

One of the unsung accomplishments in The Simpsons long run on Fox is its place in television Halloween history. The annual Treehouse of Horror episode, which debuted on Oct. 25, 1990, has to be considered one of the best and most successful Halloween traditions in TV history. The standard adopted on that initial ToH -- three vignettes mocking horror movies or ghost stories -- has never been altered, and along the way it has produced some of the most memorable Simpsons moments.

It's easy to associate ToH with Halloween, but in fact it has aired only twice on Oct. 31, in 1991 and 1999. Some seasons have even delayed the Halloween episode late in November (2004 was a lowpoint, with ToH airing on Nov. 7). No matter when it airs, it doesn't feel right to miss a new ToH episode, and some Fox affiliates still air a string of the Halloween episodes on the holiday's date. So in honor of The Simpsons' 20th season and Halloween, here are my 10 favorite Treehouse of Horror tales:

10. The Thing and I

Treehouse of Horror VII
Aired: Oct. 27, 1996
Inspired by: The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Basketcase, Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? (Freddie's Nightmares episode)

A great attempt at creating actual scares, "The Thing and I" is surprisingly creepy with an effective twist ending. While investigating strange sounds from the attic, Bart, Lisa and Maggie discover empty shackles and a shadowy figure before being scared away. After pressing for answers, Homer and Marge confess that Bart was actually one half of conjoined twins, and the evil twin has spent his life living in the attic.

9. I've Grown a Costume on Your Face

Treehouse of Horror XVI
Air date: Nov. 6, 2005
Inspired by: Halloween III: Season of the Witch, The Masks (Twilight Zone).

Maybe the most underrated ToH tale, "I've Grown a Costume on Your Face" draws some inspiration from the above sources, but is mostly original. When a Springfield costume party awards first prize to a woman dressed as a witch, it is discovered she is in fact an actual witch. Since she is not technically in costume, her award is withdrawn, and in retaliation the witch casts a spell on the city -- turning them into their costumes. This produces some interesting results: Apu is now R2D2, Flanders is a daisy, and Patty and Selma each have half of a horse's body. Maggie is the town's only hope, since she was wearing a witch's costume herself, but what spell will she cast?

8. Citizen Kang

Treehouse of Horror VII
Air date: Oct. 27, 1996
Inspired by: V (tearing off aliens' masks)

A brilliant story in lieu of that year's election, "Citizen Kang" gives us the familiar Kang and Kodos who kidnap candidates Bill Clinton and Bob Dole. The aliens impersonate the politicians, leading to several laugh out loud moments: "Always twirling toward freedom!" "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for everyone!" "What about a third party candidate? Go ahead, throw your vote away!"

7. The Shinning

Treehouse of Horror V
Air date: Oct. 30, 1994
Inspired by: The Shining

A mostly excellent Kubrick satire, continuing a running gag of this episode where Willy is murdered in each tale. Good (if not obvious) casting makes this one memorable: Willy as the groundskeeper, Moe as the bartender, and of course Mr. Burns as the resort owner.

6. The Bart Zone

Treehouse of Horror II
Air date: Oct. 31, 1991
Inspired by: It's a Good Life (Twilight Zone)

This tale pounces on the meaty potential of the source material and produces one of the funniest ToH vignettes ever. Bart, as the boy who can alter anything with his mind, routinely changes history with his wrong test answers (America's name is suddenly changed to "Bonerland"), and keeps everyone in Springfield walking on eggshells. I would go so far as to say "The Bart Zone" does a better job with the story than The Twilight Zone, as it expands the reach of the boy's powers to the whole world, and not just a small farming neighborhood ("You know what we say anytime something weird happens, 'that's very good!'")

5. Dial Z for Zombies

Treehouse of Horror III
Air date: Oct. 30, 1992
Inspired by: Pick your zombie movie.

"Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!"
"He was a zombie?"
The Simpsons served up hilarious zombie satire way before Shaun of the Dead made it cool.

4. King Homer

Treehouse of Horror III
Air date: Oct. 30, 1992
Inspired by: King Kong

Simply one of the funniest 7 minutes in Simpsons history, "King Homer" is amazingly funny on every level. This also contains one of my favorite deliveries in the series' history, as Mr. Burns says to Marge: "We wouldn't think of going anywhere without the bait -- that is the bath....ing...beauty...the bathing beauty! I covered that up pretty well!" This tale could have gone No. 1 easily, but gets bumped down because it doesn't really have a horror or Halloween tone to it.

3. Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Treehouse of Horror VI
Air date: Oct. 29, 1995
Inspired by: A Nightmare on Elm Street

This one starts off with a bang, as we find ourselves in a dream of Bart's where he's animated Looney Tunes-style. It's a fun moment, and a great way to illustrate an animated character's dream. Willy plays Freddie in this one, a spot-on take-off of Nightmare on Elm Street, complete with a very cinematic climax and what-the-hell twist ending.

2. Hungry are the Damned

Treehouse of Horror I
Air date: Oct. 25, 1990
Inspired by: To Serve Man (Twilight Zone), This Island Earth

A fall-down funny satire of The Twilight Zone's most famous episode, featuring one of the show's best-ever gags. After being abducted by seemingly nice aliens, Lisa becomes suspicious when they're fed banquet after banquet and regularly weighed. The curious Lisa finds a cookbook called "How to Cook Humans," which after removing some space dust becomes "How to Cook For Humans," then "How to Cook Forty Humans," before the complete title is revealed. This was also part of the very first ToH, and it still holds up as one of the best of the Halloween series (the other two tales, "Bad Dream House" and "The Raven," are equally strong).

1. Terror at 5 1/2 Feet

Treehouse of Horror IV
Air date: Oct. 28, 1993
Inspired by: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet (Twilight Zone)

You could make the case for many of the entries on this list as No. 1, but this tale will always be at the top of my list. Like "Hungry are the Damned," it takes excellent source material and turns it on its ear, putting a genuine Simpsons stamp on a high-grade horror tale. Along the way there are many classic moments: Hans Moleman as the AMC Gremlin driver, Homer stealing an air horn and life jackets from the dock ("it was just sitting in some guys boat!") and the thoroughly satisfying ending ("right or wrong, you didn't follow the rules -- perhaps spending the rest of your life in an insane asylum will teach you a lesson!").

Kinda like that one time you won a Family Guy DVD set...

Hi, I'm Adam Ross with DVD Panache (LIGHT APPLAUSE).

Thank you, but please settle down, we have something serious to talk about here: nothing. That's right "nothing," the little word that represents the absence of anything. "Nothing" is usually used in a negative connotation (see: The Never Ending Story), and rightfully so -- but today I'm here to offer you a chance to experience "nothing" for all the good it can represent. Namely, getting something for nothing (GASPS).

I know, what you're wondering what the catch is, and here it is: you just have to send me an email (SKEPTICAL MURMURING). But there has to be more to it than that, right? Yes, you're right: you have to send me an email telling me what your favorite Family Guy flashback is. So now you know about the "nothing" of the equation, and here's the "something": one random person who sends me an email telling me what their favorite Family Guy flashback is will receive a copy of Family Guy: Vol. 6 (RANDOM WHISTLES OF APPROVAL). You remember that Family Guy has flashbacks, right? Here's one to refresh your memory:



So one person is guaranteed a happy ending in this deal, but what of everyone else? You won't be left out, because after the prize is sent out, DVD Panache will present a list of the best of the flashback entrants, including my personal favorite. So now all you need to do is decide on your favorite Family Guy flashback -- but don't take too long, the voting deadline is Nov. 3! And since we're on the topic of Family Guy, Vol. 6, let's take a look at the voices and writers who were responsible for all those flashbacks:

His name is Bill. He solves problems.

In the haunted home stretch of his October Kill Fest, Jonathan "My next scary name may be your own" Lapper took time to celebrate The Twilight Zone. Jonathan's post and the accompanying leagues of comments put me in a TZ mood, as I am known to fall into occasionally. Jonathan's mention of Little Girl Lost as one of his favorite episodes got me thinking about it, specifically one of its supporting characters that I've always been fascinated with. He's the unsung character in a memorable episode. He might have deserved his own series. His name is Bill.

Little Girl Lost (watch the full episode here) is the episode that probably inspired Poltergeist, featuring a young girl who inexplicably disappears, though her family can still hear her. After a few frantic moments, the parents decide to do what they should have done at the start: call Bill. It's the middle of the night, but Bill is at the ready, and is soon at the door. Assessing the situation, Bill learns that little Tina went under her bed, and was later followed by the family dog, but both are now nowhere to be found. Bill takes the initiative to move the child's bed, and is smart enough to "mark where the legs were" (good call Bill, the last thing Tina needs after she's found is to see that her bed was moved and then replaced slightly out of position).

Bill comes to the conclusion that Tina and the dog had vanished via an invisible portal, and after some awkward movements he locates said portal in a nearby wall. Bill's hand goes right through the wall, so it's not your average wall. Bill quickly deduces that we're dealing with the 4th Dimension ("just a step up from the third"), a dimension that occasionally meets up with our own. In the episode's best moment, Bill gives a scholarly explanation of the 4th Dimension's properties while drawing a perimeter of the portal on the wall. It's a wonderful moment, and Bill does it with unflinching confidence.

A plan comes together where Tina's father will poke his head into the portal and try to locate his daughter, whom he eventually find. Though Chris the father is seen walking around in this odd, echo-y 4th Dimension, Bill reveals after all is back to normal that Chris was actually never all the way through the portal -- Bill was holding on to him the whole time. The portal closes up just as Chris and Tina cross back over, and to all a good night.

Everything's back to normal, yet one question remains: how is Bill not the coolest man alive? So knowledgeable is Bill, so unflappable, he doesn't even blink when faced with the prospect of a close friend's daughter vanishing into an unknown dimension. Oh, wait -- it's not an unknown dimension because Bill knows all about it! Just imagine how many calls Bill takes a day from his friends about their stupid problems: there's a meteor with glowing goo in my backyard, I think I just created a mini-black hole, there's an eye growing on my hand, my son says he's gay, blah blah blah. Bill's there, just give him a call.

Another thing I love about this episode, you have to love the ending Rod Serling tacks on:

The other half where? The fourth dimension? The fifth? Perhaps. They never found the answer. Despite a battery of research physicists equipped with every device known to man, electronic and otherwise, no result was ever achieved, except perhaps a little more respect for and uncertainty about the mechanisms of the Twilight Zone.

The 1080 Times, vol. 4

While we're in the midst of a sell-off on Wall Street, HD-DVD enthusiasts are definitely in a buy buy buy market. You need to buy now because prices on new HD-DVDs keep falling, along with inventory. After listing The Adventures of Robin Hood at a record low price of $9.99, Amazon then described it as "discontinued by the manufacturer" and is now simply "unavailable." At DVD Panache favorite Deep Discount, their best stock of HD-DVD (including The Warriors, Apollo 13 and Hot Fuzz) is listed as "discontinued." Amazon's stock is still strong, and most of their titles have been reduced to $9.99. There's clearly a day on the horizon when retail HD-DVDs are non-existant online and eBay and other used outlets will be the only way to go. The bright side of this is that prices everywhere are extremely appealing, and if you've created a wish list for HD-DVDs, you should be able to cross many of them off these days (I know I have). On to this issue's scores:

Forbidden Planet: I was really looking forward to this one, as it has some of my favorite visuals of any movie. From the striking opening credits to the Id Monster's assault on the Krell lab, it's all among the best sci-fi imagery ever put on film. With that said, the transition to HD isn't all that groundbreaking, and the differences may only be noticed by those who have seen the movie multiple times. If you are one of those people, prepare to be delighted by how the Altair landscapes now look more realistic and certain scenes (like Altaira's walks in the jungle) have a 3-D quality to them due to the contrast created with the lush artificial backgrounds. Everything looks fantastic, but because it was filmed on a stage and not with natural light, Forbidden Planet's visuals don't "pop" like other HD-DVDs. Score: 6

Dune: This was a great surprise. Some HD-DVDs really give you the whoa factor, and this is one of them, where you find yourself wondering how it could ever look any better. Credit some of this to David Lynch's fantastic production design -- every scene in the Emperor's chambers looks amazing, with the gold costumes and objects naturally shimmering. It honestly looks like it was filmed a couple of years ago, not in 1984. Unfortunately, some of the special effects don't hold up under the increased visual scrutiny, but it's a minor quibble. Score: 9

Grand Prix: I'm really glad I picked this up for $9.99 when I did, it's now listed as "unavailable" on Amazon, with used copies starting at $30.35. Since it was filmed in the Cinerama format, I had high hopes for Grand Prix, and was not disappointed. In particular, the opening scenes at the Monaco Grand Prix are a true wonder. Helicopter shots of the Monte Carlo crowd leave your eyes darting back and forth at all the perfect detail on display, and director John Frankenheimer's famous bumper-cam shots during the race are everything you would hope for. Along with The Searchers and The Adventures of Robin Hood, this disc can truly show off the format. Score: 10

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Didn't know what to expect with this one, but was excited to see how it would translate. The result is good, but certainly not great. The movie is obviously filled with color, but it's also shot with a mostly soft lens that keeps it from making a big leap with HD. Certain shots really pop, like the early candy shop scene, but once we get inside the factory, it starts looking ordinary. The "Pure Imagination" scene is an all-time favorite of mine and never fails to impress, but beyond presenting perfectly-defined colors, the scene in HD never really leaps off the screen the way you would want it to. Score: 6

The French love Jerry Lewis* and Dennis Hopper (and bread)

Good to see Dennis Hopper being awarded the Chevalier de la legion des Arts et des Lettres from France recently. Can't say I've heard of anyone else receiving that, but it's a nice-enough sounding honor, and it looks cool. Still, the reason for this post is the picture below, it's crying out for a caption. Here's my attempt, what's yours?

"Thank you. Amazing, that a man who once uttered 'Fuck you, you fucking fuck' on screen, could be awarded an honor such as this."

*And yes, Moviezzz, the title of this post was for you.

Leave nothing but the gold

If you watched any football this weekend, you probably saw the latest Leave Nothing commercial by Nike. The last one was directed by Michael Mann, and featured the great theme from The Last of the Mohicans. Next up? David Fincher, and here's his effort:



I think I like this one a little more. Mann's commercial is a little anti-climactic, and Fincher has a better story by starting the tale from birth. What really gets my attention is the song he uses, and I can't believe how long it took me to figure out what it was from. Sure, there are extra drum beats and cues, but I should have recognized it right away. It's also interesting to know Fincher put this together -- how long did the production take, and with that in mind, how much did it cost? One more thing: throughout this entire commercial, do we ever see any recognizable Nike products?

The kid's got potential

"Hey Dad, what's this Straw Dogs movie about? What kind of dogs are in it?"

"Eh, only way to find out is to just watch it for myself."

Yes, you can go home to EV-426 again

Ever since Bill Paxson's character said "game over, man!" Aliens has been a movie pleading for a high quality video game to call its own, and miraculously we finally have that game in Aliens: Extermination. I say miraculously because 1. This is actually the third attempt at creating an Aliens arcade game (1990's Aliens was a standard side-scroller shooter -- albeit with a fun final stage based on the climactic power loader scene -- while 1993's Alien 3: The Gun merged the second and third installments of the series into a well-meaning, but familiar shoot-em-up), and 2. the arcade game industry is currently in its dimmest state in decades, with paltry new offerings that focus mostly on novelty. Through all of this, we have Aliens: Extermination, and even though it came out in 2006, it's still new to most of us since actually finding a newly-released arcade game is a game itself.

I had little hope of finding Extermination after reading about it last year, but as the saying goes: "Walk down the wrong alley in Boise, and if your expectations are low enough, you can find just about anything." Well I found it, and damn am I happy I did. Remember the Terminator 2 arcade game? Arnie himself wouldn't go back to that game after playing Extermination, it has to be considered one of the best movie-based video games of all time.


As you can see from the image above Extinction is a shoot-em-up, but it brings a lot to the table than simply pulling the trigger and aiming. It takes you deep into the Aliens world, giving you the role of a marine landing on EV-426, just as in the movie. You'll see a few Aliens landmarks and moments here and there, but it's mostly a new spin on the movie with the likes of android enemies and different strains of the alien species.

The most familiar Aliens artifact is the life-size pulse rifle that serves as the game's controller -- it comes complete with the familiar two-digit ammo counter on the back. For those of you who have fantasized about Michael Biehn lovingly explaining how to load a magazine into a machine gun, you've found your game. The ammo counter on the gun is crucial, as unlike most games of the genre you actually have a limited amount of your base ammunition, and once it's gone you'll be reduced to using a humble pistol against the hordes of aliens. In addition to pulse rifle rounds, a button under the gun's barrel allows you to operate a flame thrower and another button lets you throw grenades and laser-guided missiles. These controls open up a myriad of offensive options, as in any given fire fight you could find yourself firing the pulse rifle, flame thrower, grenade and pistol in rapid succession without taking your eyes off the battle at hand.

The action in the game is as furious as you want it, and at some parts you may find yourself screaming "Oh you want some too?" like Paxson's character does -- unfortunately there's no option to pull the pin on a grenade when you're out of ammo like our fellow marine Vasquez. It gets so chaotic that the rumbling gun often leaves your hand feeling like mush -- so walk it off, OK, marine? With four long missions taking you through every corner and depth of EV-426, Aliens: Extermination is a dream for any fan of the movie ... as long as you can find it.

October: No rust for the wicked

It's October again, and that means we all begin our precious Halloween month traditions: painting your house black, renting a hurse, digging graves for the "mock" cemetary in the front yard, sharpening your knives, training the neighborhood crows to "caw" when that certain person walks by. You know, Halloween stuff! If you have enough time to spare in between your sick traditions, put these blogs on your daily routine, as they're putting on quite a show this month:

• Moon in the Gutter: Jeremy Richey is celebrating the month with a 31-day salute to Halloween. I know Jeremy will have lots of tasty treats in honor of the horror classic, and he's started it off with a look at the connections the movie has to his home state of Kentucky.
  
  
• Evil Eye Theatre: Piper has donned his Evil Clown guise for the month and his site is packed full of so many scares this month, your driver's license picture may well turn into a skull. Lots of fun stuff up already, including an enlightening conversation between God and Satan.
  
  
• Cinema Styles: Jonathan Lapper is holding his much anticipated October Kill Fest, an event that will span mutilated text, pictures and video. Jonathan has already given us some fresh meat in the form of that wonderfully terrifying Frank Capra classic. He has also suggested to change your blog moniker to something befitting of the season -- sounds fun, why not?
  
  
• Arbogast on Film: Arbo has pledged to honor 31 memorable screen screams through the month, good thing too since he possesses the rare talent to analyze screams the same way another person might go on about a satisying plate of southwestern egg rolls.
  
  
• The Kind of Face You Hate: Bill R. and his newly launched blog (love the name), is taking a month-long look at horror fiction, starting with Henry James and H.P. Lovecraft.
  
  
• Others: You can be damn sure that the usual October suspects of Stacie Ponder, Dennis Cozzalio and Kindertrauma will offer at least one feast of a post in honor of the holiday, as they have in years past.

Myself? I have neglected to plan anything special for the month, though I did promise myself to revive my long-neglected Bava Beat series, focusing on some of my favorite Bava horrors.

Bad boy in the house

Earlier this month I wrote about my 12 Must (somehow Sees) -- rare or hard to find movies I long to view. I had little hope of watching any of these movies, but that was before good samaritan and all-around awesome blogger Marty McKee basically gave me a "step inside my office." Through Marty's goodwill, I will be able to cross two of those movies off my list, including the one I had most wanted to see -- Bad Ronald. A 1974 television movie, it seems like I've been aware of Bad Ronald for a long time, though I'm not sure when I first learned about it. I had high expectations for this movie, and am happy to say that they were largely exceeded.

Based on the book by the same name, Bad Ronald stars Scott Jacoby in the titular role as a sweetly weird teen who has a very bad 18th birthday. Lots of people have had miserable birthdays, but few of them can say they accidentally killed an adolescent girl on their big day. After blowing out the candles on his cake and re-affirming his desire to be a doctor with his clingy Mom (Kim Hunter!), Ronald is flush with confidence and heads out to ask mean girl Laurie Matthews on a date. This goes badly, as Ronald is laughed out the door by Laurie and her friends, and in his haste to get home, Ronald collides with Laurie's little sister Carol on a sidewalk. Things quickly get worse as Carol starts making fun of Ronald and his mom, and in his desire to get an apology from the girl, she falls down and hits her head on a cinder block.

Naturally, Ronald finds a shovel and buries the dead girl, which as Mom will later tell him was not a bright idea. Mom is of course heart broken at the news of her son being a murderer, but also strangely delighted, as Ronald now won't be able to study in college and leave her alone. Mom's big plan is simple yet dramatic: she and Ronald will construct a hidden "lair" in their house for him to hide out in while the mess dies down. Using Ronald's "incredible" tool kit that he just opened as a birthday present, the Good Family erects a mock wall over the door to a bathroom ala Dawn of the Dead, adds a secret entrance in the neighboring pantry -- and Ronald's new life has just begun.

It's these scenes of Ronald's new captive life where I thought Bad Ronald was at his best. Jacoby is well cast as a dorky teen shut-in, and we see that he doesn't exactly share his mother's enthusiasm for her hideaway plan. As Ronald's mother, Hunter is the best thing the movie has going for it, growing increasingly creepy in her transition from mother to warden. In her brief interactions with Ronald in the lair (as she refers to it), Mom is quick to shut the door on her son and remind him how stringently they must stick to their plan. Ronald's new dwelling also allows him ample time to tend to his literary creation of Atranta, a Tolkien-like fantasy world complete with life-size illustrations. This subplot is really our only clue to Ronald's label of being weird, but it never feels natural.

So everything's going just fine until Mom goes in for surgery and doesn't come back. In fact, the next visitors to the house are realtors who are trying to sell it. Ronald is soon joined in the house by a "they all were blonde, like their mother" nuclear family, helmed by Dabney Freaking Coleman. It's not long before the family notices missing food and strange noises, leading them to believe that the house is haunted. Ronald takes some delight in being the ghost of the house, and gradually loses his grasp on reality. When the youngest daughter finds herself alone in the house, Ronald takes the opportunity to cast her as the princess of Atranta, and hijinks ensue. The family's eventual discovery of Ronald and his lair is played out perfectly, and is probably the movie's best (and scariest) moment. For the genre, the ending is pretty by-the-numbers, but it doesn't take anything away from the previous 70 minutes.

I had hoped Bad Ronald would combine the sensibilities of a made-for-TV movie, with a highly creepy story that could have come from a Stephen King short story. While obviously hampered by time constraints and content sensitivity, Bad Ronald is never boring and packs in a few honest scares with a constant air of creepiness (my wife surrendered 30 minutes in, proclaiming it "too creepy"). With a longer running time would have served it well, as we barely see any of Ronald before the accidental murder, and never really get to know him as a normal kid. What Bad Ronald does best is maintain a consistent ghost story/urban legend feel, it's the kind of story you heard at the playground that's "totally true."

'Yo sound the bell, school's in, sucka'

So it's been almost a month since the good professor Dennis Cozzalio assigned his latest questionnaire, Dr. Zachary Smith's Lost in the Space at the End of Summer Movies Quiz. My tardiness on turning this in is on-par with everything else I'm trying to do lately, but as always, Dennis has outdone himself with this quiz. Stop over at Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule for more interesting answers, and even more stimulating posts.

1) Your favorite musical moment in a movie
Two moments immediately spring to mind: the opening scenes of Danger: Diabolik and the opening credits-strutting of The Wild Bunch. Ennio Morricone's Diabolik score isn't for everyone, but I can't get enough of it, particularly the early scenes where we're introduced to Diabolik, Eva and their underground lair. At first I found the opening song "Deep Deep Down" to be annoying, but today I sometimes find myself humming it, and there are few electric harmonies better than when we meet Diabolik and Eva on their bed full of money. The beginning notes to The Wild Bunch are so perfect with Jerry Fielding's militant percussion and tense strings, giving you the impression that something big is about to go down. Fielding's guitar-strum conclusion matches up masterfully to Pike Bishop's terse "if they move, kill 'em!"

2) Ray Milland or Dana Andrews
Andrews, for his great performance in one of my favorite movies, The Ox-Bow Incident.

3) Favorite Sidney Lumet movie
Fail Safe. It's helped by my love for Dr. Strangelove, for which it serves as an interesting chaser, but it's also just so damn scary and contains one of the most petrifying endings I've ever seen.

4) Biggest surprise of the just-past summer movie season
Ummm, maybe the fact that I didn't see any theatrical releases during the summer? We thought about taking my then 7-month-old son to Wall-E, but he would have spent the whole time grabbing at a nearby person's hair, or desperately grabbing for a loose popcorn kernel.

5) Gene Tierney or Rita Hayworth
I'll take Tierney, obviously for Laura, but also for her nice appearance in Advise & Consent.

6) What’s the last movie you saw on DVD? In theaters?
Last night I convinced my wife to watch my new HD-DVD of Forbidden Planet, but I don't think the Krell drew as much sympathy from her as they did from me. In theaters, you'll have to go all the way back to In Bruges, seen at my favorite Portland theater -- Cinemagic.

7) Irwin Allen’s finest hour?
Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, who else could come up with a sequel like that? "They go back into the ship, and there's plutonium onboard!"


8) What were the films where you would rather see the movie promised by the poster than the one that was actually made?
I've probably given this question more thought than all the others. One that stands out for me is the original poster and similar teaser trailer for The Fifth Element, which was simply a shot of space with "It Mu5t Be Found" on it and a date. The title wasn't even revealed, but it inspired a lot of intrigue. The movie was okay, but I was expecting a lot more after reading those four words on the poster.

9) Chow Yun-Fat or Tony Leung
Having recently watched the Infernal Affairs trilogy, I'll have to say Leung.


10) Most pretentious movie ever
I would actually say The Royal Tenenbaums. Like all of Wes Anderson's post-Bottle Rocket movies, it's a celebration of pretentiousness (pretentia?), and all the comedic potential it presents.

11) Favorite Russ Meyer movie
I'm utterly devoted to Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. If I had my choice, The Carrie Nations would play at my funeral.

12) Name the movie that you feel best reflects yourself, a movie you would recommend to an acquaintance that most accurately says, “This is me.”
I've said before that Holly Martins (Joseph Cotten) in The Third Man reminds me more of myself than any other movie character. I can't really put my finger on any one quality I share with him, but I see a lot of myself in the way he views the world and where he fits into it.

13) Marlene Dietrich or Greta Garbo
I honestly don't have too much of an opinion about either one, but Dietrich supplied one of my favorite lines: "What does it matter what you say about people?" (Touch of Evil).

14) Best movie snack? Most vile movie snack?
There's something comforting about the sound Raisinets make inside that movie theater box. You don't get it in a box anywhere else, and you really don't buy Raisinets anywhere but a theater. Most vile snack would have to be the movie theater nachos with awful nacho cheese and jalapenos. Gutter-quality nachos are bad enough to ruin a good movie.

15) Current movie star who would be most comfortable in the classic Hollywood studio system
Val Kilmer still looks like he could be a character in a classic film noir, and he obviously has great comedic chops. I'm sure he could have found himself a few (hundred) roles in the old studio system.

16) Fitzcarraldo—yes or no?
Yes! I didn't even realize this was a question. Not my favorite Herzog film, but a great cinematic achievement that still deserves to be marveled at.

17) Your assignment is to book the ultimate triple bill to inaugurate your own revival theater. What three movies will we see on opening night?
This would have to be three movies I would do anything to see on the big screen: Vertigo, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Point Blank.

18) What’s the name of your theater? (The all-time greatest answer to this question was once provided by Larry Aydlette, whose repertory cinema, the Demarest, is, I hope, still packing them in…)
The Screen.

19) Favorite Leo McCarey movie
Duck Soup

20) Most impressive debut performance by an actor/actress.
Since I saw it only recently, I'm going with Matt Dillon in Over the Edge. Dillon was 15 and discovered at his high school for the role, which was maybe the best of his career, and one of the most definitive in the late 70s/early 80s teen rebellion movies.

21) Biggest disappointment of the just-past summer movie season
See question 4.

22) Michelle Yeoh or Maggie Cheung
I'm getting killed by these actor A or B questions this time, another one I really don't have an opinion on.

23) 2008 inductee into the Academy of the Overrated
Though I haven't seen it (see question 4), it seems likely The Dark Knight will eventually be labeled "overrated" for how much praise it's received.

24) 2008 inductee into the Academy of the Underrated
I'll say In Bruges: it's the only 2008 movie I've seen this year, and I liked it.

25) Fritz the Cat—yes or no?
God yes, I'll even give thumbs up to the sequel.

26) Trevor Howard or Richard Todd
Trevor Howard played one of the Krypton elders in Superman: The Movie. Edge: Trevor Howard.

27) Antonioni once said, “I began taking liberties a long time ago; now it is standard practice for most directors to ignore the rules.” What filmmaker working today most fruitfully ignores the rules? What does ignoring the rules of cinema mean in 2008?
It's so easy for me to say David Lynch, he writes his own rules and we're just trying to keep up.

28) Favorite William Castle movie
Battle of Rogue River, I've never actually seen it, but I've traveled many miles of the Rogue and would love to see what locations he used for the movie.

29) Favorite ethnographically oriented movie
The Big Lebowski

30) What’s the movie coming up in 2008 you’re most looking forward to? Why?
Hmmm, what else is coming out this year? I'll say Miracle at Saint Anna.

31) What deceased director would you want to resurrect in order that she/he might make one more film?
It would be fascinating to see what Sergio Leone would offer up.

32) What director would you like to see, if not literally entombed, then at least go silent creatively?
Whoever those idiots are behind all the Epic/Disaster/Shitty Movies. Just enjoy your money and live a rich life without inflicting any more pain on this world.

33) Your first movie star crush
Meg Ryan, at the height of her cuteness in Innerspace.

Trailer vs. Trailer

Today I present two trailers for upcoming movies, one that surprised me at how good it looked and one that looks shockingly bad:

As a football fan, I usually find myself bitching about football movies, instead of trying to enjoy them. It's probably the same way with glass movers and car chase movies. There's always something with the football part of it that's enough to drive me crazy, and keep me from enjoying it. It's rare I find myself looking forward to a football movie, but that's exactly the case with The Express: The Ernie Davis Story. For college football fans, there's a lot to like here: the name (nice retro structure), an authentic CGI recreation of Syracuse's defunct Archbold Stadium, and the fact that it's based on Davis, one of history's greatest forgotten football stars. But what really pleases me is the way the movie's trailer is handled, that is they leave out any mention of Davis' tragic final chapter.

Davis was the first black player to win the Heisman Trophy, then tragically died from leukemia two years later, never playing a down of pro football. It would be easy to show in the trailer that the movie ends up being a weepie, but the images are all about action and Conquering Obstacles. In an age where all of Tropic Thunder's funny lines are put in the trailer, I find this refreshing.

Now for something completely revolting: Lakeview Terrace. This movie brings to the forefront the fear of many people: living next door to Samuel L. Jackson ... the cop ... who doesn't like interracial marriage. I can understand why this movie was made -- since 2008 was in fear of not having a Sam Jackson Screams movie, and the perils of interracial marriage is a topic everyone likes examining. Oh, and it's PG-13. Has it won you over yet? See if you can count how many lines in the trailer make you grit your teeth, I got 9 (my favorite: "I'm a cop, you have to do what I say!"). The scene with Jackson trying to cut down their trees looks promising.

A Los Angeles Crime Saga

In 1995, a great deal was made about how Heat would be the first pairing of actors Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro in a movie. Thirteen years later, we have Righteous Kill again showcasing the two actors, and I've heard exactly zero buzz about the movie. You could say this disinterest is due to the falling popularity of the two actors -- owing some to the passage of time, and most to their own doing -- but it probably has more to do with how generic Righteous Kill looks from the previews (or maybe the fact that they play characters named "Turk" and "Rooster"). With Heat it was Pacino-DeNiro, but also director Michael Mann diving into a canvas as large as Los Angeles itself, creating a giant world we spend nearly three hours in, yet still feel to have only seen a few nooks and crannies of it.

Pacino and DeNiro have had their moments since Heat (Cop Land, Insomnia), but it looks doubtful that either actor will top the roles of Vincent Hanna and Neil McCauley. The latter is my favorite DeNiro character, completely inhabiting the idea of a man who is always someone else -- essentially playing an actor. Right from the start we see exactly who McCauley is, just from the way he's walking and his gaze constantly darting, confidently strolling through a hospital in a paramedic uniform and making off with an ambulance. We get a few peeks at McCauley's personality through the film, but most of all we see a lifetime criminal who knows his success depends on himself not existing -- never getting close to anyone, or drawing any attention to himself beyond that of an anonymous bystander. The role suits DeNiro's acting style perfectly, as he's at his best when communicating without words. It's also worth noting that DeNiro has perhaps never looked as good outside of Heat, physically he looks much slimmer than his usual self, and he simply appears as the last person you want to disappoint or double cross.

Pacino's character of Lt. Hanna resembles many of the actor's stereotypical roles of hot-headed, fly-off-the-handle eccentrics, but Mann puts him in a setting that makes it work. In the DVD documentary, Pacino said an underlying theme with the development of Hanna was to play him as if he was a cocaine addict, although it would never be touched on in the film. Watching the movie with this in mind, it's easy to see how Hanna has something else in his system pushing him, but it's also plausible that his redline behavior is a side effect of law enforcement success. Hanna gets results, but he also exhibits some of the qualities of McCauley, notably how he must hide his emotions even in situations where there is only one human way to react: like when he meets the mother of a murdered prostitute at the scene of the crime.

Mann's main theme in Heat seems to be how similar the two sides are. McCauley and Hanna are both surrounded by a team of professionals who take orders from their leader, but still seem like an indestructable group of friends who will only let death get in the way of their goals. The cameraderie and drive of Hanna's group makes for one of my favorite moments in Heat: at the precinct when Det. Casals (the always great Wes Studi) gets the bank heist tip and just shouts out the bank name and time. Everyone in the room knows exactly what he's talking about and immediately springs into action. The group's spontaneous reaction feels real, and ratchets up the tension leading into the raucus heist scene.

The equivalent of this moment for McCauley's crew still brings chills to me. Sitting in a greasy spoon diner before embarking on their daring daylight bank heist, McCauley gets word that Trejo (Danny Trejo, of course) can't shake the police on his tail and is out as driver for the job. Amazingly, McCauley spies a man behind the restaurant's grill from his past: Donald (Dennis Haysbert), an old crony he met in prison. Before this point we had been following Donald's journey to make an honest living after being released from prison, but what he found was near-slave labor in the diner, working below minimum wage. McCauley approaches Donald and asks him point blank if he can be the driver ... today ... "yes or no." Donald steps back to think, knowing the decision will forever alter his life, good or bad. "Yeah." Donald throws his hairnet to the ground and shoves his asshole boss to the floor (Bud Cort!). The character and story of Donald is the most heart-wrenching in Heat, he's not the caliber of criminal as McCauley and Co., but he's also trying to get out of that life and obviously has someone who loves him and wants to see him succeed. Post-prison, Donald sees nothing in front of him but a hot grill and tiny paychecks, and in McCauley he sees an opportunity. When his girlfriend/wife (is she ever named?) sees Donald's face in the news report after the heist, I can barely watch it.

The most infamous scene in Heat remains the much-talked about coffee sit-down between Hanna and McCauley. I have to say, this scene never really did much for me, the best part is simply Hanna's decision to confront his adversary, and the way Mann films their highway meet-up. In a movie filled with great musical cues, this Freeway Oddysey is the biggest highlight for me. Showcasing Moby's adrenaline-pumping New Dawn Fades, we fly through a glowing Los Angeles freeway through Hanna's mile-a-minute eyes. Like few can, Mann completely fuses his imagery to Moby's song, and gives us one of Heat's trademark scenes. I still put it on occasionally just for that 1-minute trip.

Now THAT's cover art!

Why can't I stop looking at this DVD cover? Why did it take me this long to actually see this amazing illustration? Why don't one-sheets feature actual illustrations any more? Why are amazing one-sheets like this ever NOT used for the DVD cover, as opposed to some Photoshop hack job? Damn that looks good.

12 must (somehow) sees...

Niceguy Joseph Campanella of Cinema Fist was nice enough to tag me with the latest 12 Movies meme, and I'm hear to spread the love even further. A spinoff of Piper's 12 Movies Meme, the Holy Grail List is different in that you're selecting 12 hard-to-find movies you haven't seen (full rules at the meme's birthpalce, The Dancing Image). I like this idea, and I only had to cheat a little bit to come up with my 12:

• Frog Dreaming (1986, aka The Quest) -- The only movie on this list I've actually seen. This Australian kids adventure flick used to be on regular HBO rotation in the late 80s under the U.S. title The Quest. Nowhere to be found on DVD (even in Australia, apparently), this is a creepy little movie about a nerd in a small town who investigates the local myth about a lake-dwelling monster. After a little poking around, it's actually on YouTube in multiple parts, beginning here.
  
  
• Night of the Creeps (1986) -- Heard a lot about this Fred Dekker effort, starring Tom Atkins and Dick Miller, and riffing on horror and B-movies in general with an Invasion of the Body Snatches-ish plot. Not available on DVD, but if Monster Squad can make it, why not this?
  
  
• Bad Ronald (1974) -- TV movie about a disturbed kid who accidentally kills a classmate, and rather than go to jail, mommy hides him in the basement. Things get interesting when ma dies and a new family tries to move in. This one sounds right up my alley, and with TV movies starting to appear on DVD, maybe there's new hope for this one.
  
  
• Summer of Fear (1978) -- Another TV movie, this one brought to my attention by the good guys at Kindertrauma. Summer of Fear is about the one fear we all share: that weird country cousin is actually a witch.
  
  
• Phantasm II (1988) -- As a big fan of the original, I've been wanting to track down this one for a long time, unfortunately it's not available on Region 1 DVD (part of the legendary Region 2 "ball set").
  
  
• Great White (1980) -- Enzo Castellari's shark movie resembles Jaws, in the illegal way. Universal successfully sued and was able to get it pulled from theaters shortly after its release, and it's never gotten (and likely never will) get a legal release on video. I'm just curious what it looks like, since there are many movies that resemble Jaws: does it feature Sheriff Crody? Mr. Squint? I want to know.
  
  
• Santa Sangre (1989) -- Alejandro Jodorowsky's last real movie was made in the tradition of his great surreal masterpieces like The Holy Mountain and El Topo. Not available on DVD.
  
  
• Dune (1984, David Lynch cut) -- Universal has supposedly tried to get Lynch to sign off on a director's cut of the film, but his hard feelings from the project have not softened. I enjoy the theatrical cut, but it's clear that most of the movie is edited as basically a montage of a much longer cut. But in its current form, very little of Lynch's version remains -- even the opening credits don't look like something Lynch would do.
  
  
• The Movie Orgy (???) -- Dennis Cozzalio had a beautiful writeup of experiencing Joe Dante's wondrous Movie Orgy, an endless string of movie, TV and commercial clips spliced together. Impossible to release on any home video format, I'll have to catch a rare screening someday.
  
  
• Fitzcarraldo (1980, early version) -- As chronicled in the epic documentary The Burden of Dreams, this Werner Herzog classic began with Jason Robards in the title role and Mick Jagger (!) as his assistant, Wilbur. Nearly half the movie was shot in this configuration, but Robards became intensely ill and doctors orders kept him out of the Amazon. Jagger's schedule wasn't able to accommodate the delay, and we were still given a great movie with Klaus Kinski picking up the title role. I'm curious what Robards would have done with the role, and what Jagger's character was like.
  
  
• Noon Wine (1966) -- After the epic failure and disastrous production of Major Dundee, Sam Peckinpah went back to television and crafted this adaptation of Katherine Anne Porter's short novel, starring Jason Robards and Olivia de Havilland. Just an hour in length for ABC's Studio 67, Noon Wine is an interesting examination of social justices and prejudices, with many saying it's Peckinpah's most intimate work. The piece's critical reception led to Warner Bros. approaching Peckinpah for what eventually became The Wild Bunch. Amazingly, it's only viewable through the Library of Congress and the Museum of Broadcasting.
  
  
• Looking for Mr. Goodbar (1977) -- I've been interested in this movie ever since Kim Morgan posted her thoughts on it (las I am with just about every movie Kim likes). Diane Keaton stars as a woman whose search for the perfect man goes downhill and very dark.

Now to tag some unsuspecting blogs with this fun meme. Looking forward to these folks' Holy Grail list:

Joseph B at itsamadmadblog2
Jeremy Richey at Moon in the Gutter
Moviezzz at The Moviezzz Blog
weepingsam at The Listening Ear
Piper at Lazy Eye Theatre

Not so fast, Obama

Congratulations, Mr. Obama, you’ve accepted the presidential nomination of the Democratic Party. But why all the celebrating? I hope you’re not forgetting this little matter of the Test of the Burning Blades, are you? Have you forgotten that our nation was put under a curse millennia ago by a Chinese god, and the only way to appease him is by electing a—

What? That was just a misunderstanding? No more Test of the Burning Blades? Then why are we still funding the test and subjecting thousands of people to burnt and cut hands?

OK, so you don’t have to worry about that one, Mr. Obama, but you do know that anyone who comes to Denver (where the Treemen reside) must battle the Wood Beast, right? It’s a simple game, just stick your hand into one of these knotholes – your fate will guide you. And I don’t need to remind you that the Wood Beast’s sting is so –

No -- the Wood Beast is an endangered species now? Exploiting its deadly sting is no longer an option? What am I going to do with this giant stump?


Yes, Mr. Obama, luck seems to be on your side tonight. But there's no luck to be found inside The Cave, in there is only what you can take with you --

You're kidding, why is there an old couch inside the Cave? And a Wii is set up in there too? Goddammit, what good is the Cave if there's more inside than just what you can take with you?


So it seems like you're getting off pretty easy, Barack -- or are you? You may not know that to leave this stadium, you have to leap from the Lion's Head in a Test of Faith, you'll see that --

No. No, no, no, no. The Leap of Faith got shut down? Bunch of tourists from Nevada fell to their death? Why did they keep trying? Just exit from the loading dock. Congratulations on your nomination. Good luck giving your acceptance speech without the blessing of the Jade Monkey.

The 20 best 'Simpsons' gags (Part 2)

Read Part One here.

10. Boo-urns

The Episode: A Star is Burns (Season 6)
The Setup: Mr. Burns' self-serving A Burns for All Seasons draws boos from the crowd at the inaugural Springfield Film Festival.
The Joke:

BURNS: Smithers, are they booing me?
SMITHERS: Uhh, no they're saying "Boo-urns, boo-urns."
BURNS: (to crowd) Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
(crowd boos louder)
HANS MOLEMAN: I was saying "Boo-urns."

Notes: A wonderful play on the tired "Bruuuuuce" (not "boo") chant for Bruce Springsteen, this is joke is a classic and it wouldn't have worked with any character but Hans Moleman. Who else would have been saying "Boo-urns"? Only the man whose submission to the film festival was a short starring himself getting hit in the groin by a football.

9. The College Application Photo

The Episode: Homer Goes to College (Season 5)
The Setup: Homer must return to college to retain his job, and applies to Springfield University.
The Joke: (See above) Homer underestimates the importance a college applicant's picture plays in getting admitted, and the university officials don't even bother to look at his application after seeing this horrid picture.
Notes: The sight of this picture still makes me laugh, it's beyond perfect on every level. There are, of course, innumerable examples of Homer's gluttony -- but shoving a birthday cake (with candles) into your mouth ... and with the shamelessness to do it right in front of a camera? I love how he even has red eyes, and that his party hat is perched so precariously on his head.

8. Elvis Does Not Approve

The Episode: The Front (Season 4)
The Setup: Bart and Lisa are bored over the declining quality of Itchy & Scratchy episodes, so they decide to write their own, set in a barber shop.
The Joke:

BART: Itchy takes out a bottle of barbecue sauce and pours it on Scratchy's head, then he takes out a box of flesh-eating ants, and the rest writes itself!
(the ants reduce Scratchy's head to a skull, and Itchy raises the barber chair through the ceiling, putting Scratchy's skull inside the television of Elvis).
ELVIS: Eh, this show ain't no good (shoots Scratchy's skull inside television).

Notes: When this episode first aired, I think this moment made me laugh harder than at any moment in my life. The sheer vulgarity and ridiculousness of the Elvis twist was too much for me to handle. It would be easy to say that the Elvis character is just some guy dressed up as Elvis, but I think this episode was made around the time rumors of Elvis still being alive were popular. Apparently he lives above a mouse-run barbershop, and he shoots his TV when he doesn't like the show. Fantastic.

7. Vengeful Big Brother

The Episode: Brother from the Same Planet (Season 4)
The Setup: To get back at Bart for having a big brother mentor, Homer sets out to become a big brother himself.
The Joke:

WOMAN: Why do you want to become a big brother?
HOMER'S BRAIN: Don't say revenge, don't say revenge, don't say revenge...
HOMER: Uh, revenge?
HOMER'S BRAIN: That's it, I'm outta here (we hear the sound of a car driving away)
WOMAN: (scanning list that includes malice, spite and revenge) Welcome aboard!

Notes: Revenge takes many forms, including the act of mentoring a disadvantaged child. Not only do we get the delicious insanity of Homer's "brain" getting the hell outta Dodge, but the amazing twist of "spite," "malice" and "boredom" also being acceptable reasons for a man wanting to be a big brother.

6. Judge Snyder's Dog (son)

The Episode: Marge in Chains (Season 4)
The Setup: After Marge is arrested for shoplifting, the Simpsons once again hire attorney Lionel Hutz, who is confident about the case until he sees what judge is assigned to it.
The Joke:

HUTZ: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
MARGE: Is that bad?
HUTZ: He's had it out for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
MARGE: Really? That's terrible.
HUTZ: Well, replace "kinda" with "repeatedly," and "dog" with "son."

Notes: One of the hardest aspects of putting together this list was narrowing down the best Lionel Hutz moment, because you really can't go wrong with any of them. "Judge Snyder's Dog" ultimately won out because it sublimely combined Hutz's trademark lunacy with a surprising amount of heinous violence.

5. Homer as Mr. Burns

The Episode: Blood Feud (Season 2)
The Setup: Homer takes out his anger toward Mr. Burns by writing a hateful letter to his boss, but later decides not to mail it. Unfortunately, Bart has already put the letter in the mail, leading Homer to desperate attempts to intercept it.
The Joke:

HOMER: Hello, I'm Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
POSTAL WORKER: Okay, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?
HOMER: I don't know.

Notes: If you know this gag, then you know this print representation of it does it no justice. This is all about Homer's delivery, as he uses quite possibly the worst fake voice ever to impresonate Mr. Burns. But what kills me about this gag is the timing of the final line, Homer never even stops to think what Mr. Burns' first name is.

4. Message from Vera

The Episode: $pringfield (Or how I learned to stop worrying and love legalized gambling) (Season 5)
The Setup: After being turned away for a job at Mr. Burns' casino, Bart vows to open his own casino. Things at Bart's casino go swimmingly, especially since he can attract top talent like Robert Goulet (via intercepting him at the airport).
The Joke:

GOULET: This is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
NELSON: Your manager says for you to shut up!
GOULET: Vera said that?

Notes: The final four entries on this list can all make a case for being No. 1, and for a long time I considered this my favorite Simpsons joke. I love Nelson's line, does he say that just because he's being Nelson, or does he have a genuine interest in seeing Goulet perform at Bart's tree house casino? Goulet's delivery is also great, he's actually wondering if Vera called and told him to "shut up."

3. Bare Cupboard Pie

The Episode: $pringfield (Or how I learned to stop worrying and love legalized gambling) (Season 5)
The Setup: Marge becomes addicted to gambling, leaving Homer and the kids to cook and clean for themselves while she feeds her new habit.
The Joke:

LISA: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
HOMER: You gotta improvise, Lisa: [mixing ingredients] cloves ... Tom Collins mix ... frozen pie crust ...
LISA: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know ...
HOMER: Oh come on, Lisa, there's no reason to [takes bite] ... let's go see mom.

Notes: This joke still makes me laugh out loud. It's so impossibly ridiculous that on the occasion it pops into my head I just start laughing (my wife has learned to stop asking). Cloves!? It's also amusing that the Simpsons even have Tom Collins mix in their house, how did that get in there?

2. Evil Frogurt

The Episode: Treehouse of Horror III (Season 4)
The Setup: At Bart's birthday party, Homer realizes he forgot to buy a present. Slyly escaping, Homer stops at the aptly-named House of Evil to seek out a gift.
The Joke:

HOMER: Do you sell toys here?
SHOPKEEPER: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I like to call 'frogurt'!
HOMER: I'm looking for a present for my son.
SHOPKEEPER: (holding Krusty doll) Take this, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
HOMER: Ooooh, that's bad.
SHOPKEEPER: But it also comes with a free frogurt!
HOMER: That's good!
SHOPKEEPER: The frogurt is also cursed.
HOMER: That's bad.
SHOPKEEPER: But you get your choice of topping!
HOMER: That's good!
SHOPKEEPER: The toppings contain potassium-benzoit.
HOMER: ...
SHOPKEEPER: That's bad!
HOMER: Can I go now?

Notes: This one briefly flirted with being No. 1, it's just the epitome of a perfect Simpsons gag: taking a routine joke to another plane of surreal hilarity, with flawless timing and delivery. And admit it: have you really looked at frozen yogurt toppings the same way since this episode?

1. Buying Illegal Fireworks

The Episode: Summer of 4 ft. 2 (Season 7)
The Setup: On vacation at Flanders' beach home, Homer is intent on celebrating the Fourth of July with illegal fireworks.
The Joke:

HOMER: Hmm, I bet this place sells illegal fireworks ... just act casual, like you buy them all the time.
Yeah, uh, why don't you give me that porno mag ... bottle of Old Harper ... box of condoms ... some panty shields ... illegal fireworks -- and a disposable enema. Meh, make that two!
EMPLOYEE: Sorry sir but the sale of illegal fireworks is strictly forbi -- (notices customer leaving) come with me.
MARGE: (later, seeing what Homer bought) Hmmm, I don't know what you have planned for tonight, Homer, but you can count me out.

Notes: There was really never any doubt with me about where this one would land. At the conception stage of this project, I immediately had three gags in my head that I knew would be somewhere in the top 5, but this one would definitely be at the top. Where else would you find a gag of this caliber? It cannot be charted. This joke has taken on a life of its own within my family, sometimes adding "two disposable enemas" at the end of a grocery list. I think the most brilliant part is Marge's reaction, which happens a couple scenes later.