Who's got your back?

While re-watching The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance recently for the first time in years, I was reminded about how thoroughly satisfying Woody Strode's Pompey character is. In a movie full of heavyweights (John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, Vera Miles, Lee Marvin, Lee Van Cleef), Pompey stands out among a host of other delightful small characters (Andy Devine, Strother Martin, Edmond O'Brien). I don't know if we've ever seen another Pompey on film, essentially a combination of Alfred and Robin to The Duke's Batman. He not only tends to Tom Doniphon's ranch, but lets him know when he's had enough to drink, escorts him around town, and of course serves as his trigger man should the situation ask for it.

The best example of Pompey's worth is during the tense restaurant confrontation with Liberty Valance (Marvin), who continues to bully and beat Ransom Stoddard (Stewart) to no end. Doniphon wants to put an end to this, but Valance is quick to show that he's accompanied by two of his henchmen. To this Doniphon glances to the kitchen entrance, where we see Pompey aiming his rifle at Valance, confident that he's in the best position to end any fight. How good does Pompey have to be to make this work: he probably staked out a strategic position after Valance's gang entered, and knew to be ready when things got heated. Pompey repeats this smart action later at the town election, when he's poised at the saloon entrance with his rifle, and again Doniphan must remind Valance that he holds the cards. But my favorite Pompey moment is in the movie's most famous scene, when we see just who the title refers to. Seeing Stoddard is in over his head against a drunk and angry Valance, Doniphan gestures to an out-of-frame Pompey, who tosses him the rifle that will send Stoddard all the way to Washington. Pompey clearly knows that discretion is the better part of valor.

You can't really call Pompey a sidekick, since he has almost no lines and is rarely around except when needed, and he's also not a bodyguard since he's obviously not always at Doniphan's side. But Pompey is also more than a ranch hand, since his intervention at the saloon shows he's invested in Doniphon's well-being. Doniphon appears to be quite aware of Pompey's worth, as he tells Stoddard that guns are the only law in this area of the wild west, and with bandits like Valance roaming around it pays to have a shooter watching your back. What makes this duo even more memorable is that both men played college football in Los Angeles -- Wayne played tackle for USC in the late 1920s, while Strode was a running back for UCLA in the late 1930s. When The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance was being filmed, the UCLA-USC rivalry was solidifying its place among the nation's biggest -- can you imagine the trash talk that probably went on between scenes?

If I was in need of an ask-no-questions protector, I can think of only two other options that would be in Pompey's league:

The Three Storms (Big Trouble in Little China)


There's three of them, they're pretty much immortal (watch out for falling chandeliers), and also prone to dramatic entrances. It's everything I'm looking for, except all three are pretty lacking in personality -- the closest to conversation you'll get from them is exaggerated grunts and mid-air yells (which, granted, is welcome occasionally). While I would definitely feel safe with the three around, they would also draw a lot of attention to me.

Gort (The Day the Earth Stood Still)


The ultimate in low-maintenance protection. In exchange for not doing any crazy shit like ... war, Gort is fine just standing around for days at a time. Not the most mobile fella, so it helps if you have a spaceship. But damn, when you're surrounded by a military brigade there's not a better option out there: guns? Melted. Tanks? Gone. Undoubtedly efficient, Gort would still be a distraction to people who aren't cool with the whole 10-foot tall robot capable destroying anything.

How I ended up owning an HD-DVD player

Right now I'm watching The Bourne Identity on my new HD-DVD player. There are two things wrong with the previous sentence: 1. I don't like The Bourne Identity, and 2. the HD-DVD format was killed earlier this year. Yes, but life is full of surprises -- like a house with two working DVD players four months ago suddenly having zero working DVD players. I found myself in this predicament today, after a Toshiba player purchased five years ago decided it was tired of the whole "eject" thing. This followed an 18-month-old Toshiba upconvert player in December going on strike against the "power" button.

So I'm at Costco looking for a new DVD player. On one shelf is a Sony model for $80, and below it is a Toshiba HD-DVD player for $80. Hmmmm. And the latter even comes with two HD-DVDs and an HDMI cable. Hmmmm. And almost all the HD-DVDs at Amazon are on sale for $13-$16. Hmmmm. And, well, I really didn't need any more convincing after seeing the price on the Toshiba, especially since it was the last one. How bad did my Costco want to sell their last HD-DVD player? Check the label in the picture, it's advertised first as an UPCONVERTING DVD PLAYER, they're basically saying "hey people, this is still a perfectly fine DVD player!"

I'm actually quite happy about bringing this obsolete technology into my home, since I've come to realize it's going to be a long time before I convert to Blu-Ray. In December I saw a Blu-Ray player at that same Costco for $280, now they're being sold for $390. Think the demise of HD-DVD had anything to do with that? Blu-Ray discs are also pretty set at $30 at least. Browsing through the available HD-DVD titles, I was excited to find discs such as Zodiac: Director's Cut, The Thing, The Road Warrior, Grand Prix and Galaxina (yes, someone decided Galaxina needed to be available in HD!). There's probably six or seven HD-DVDs I really need to own, and plenty more available to rent online (including Casablanca, which I'm very curious to see in high def). And yes, it also serves as a damn fine upconvert DVD player, looking better than my last model.

So for the price of a regular DVD player, I upgraded to HD and received two free DVDs and a $40 HDMI cable for my trouble. I'll also be able to see what many of my favorite movies look like in high def and will soon own the best version of The Road Warrior in the world (non-HD fools are still waiting for Warner Bros' long overdue special edition). As Max says, "I recon you got a bargain!"

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Melissa Prusi

Friday Screen Test has welcomed many distinguished intellectuals, but Melissa Prusi is the only one to hear her name prefaced with "and our returning champion..." Yes, Melissa is a Jeopardy winner, and a multiple night winner at that. I saw Melissa's victories in January, and witnessed her shoot down category after category with a ruthless efficiency reminiscent of a young Charles Bronson. Melissa was even able to display her film knowledge on the show, with categories of "A Cinematic Feast" and "Bit Parts." If you weren't able to see the Jeopardy episodes, Melissa's wit is on display full time at Gorilla Pants, with a large archive of her opinionated reviews and also lists of her favorite Quirky Teens and Monster Movies. And no, none of her movie verdicts are presented in the form of a question.

EARLIEST MOVIE WATCHING MEMORY: 'I remember when I was a little kid my big brother being really excited that The Poseidon Adventure was going to be on TV, so of course we turned it into a big event. We had our snacks all laid out and planted ourselves in front of the TV right before it started, and nobody was allowed to talk during the movie. For a few weeks afterwards I practiced holding my breath in case I ever had to swim underwater for a long time.'

LAST DVD YOU BOUGHT: 'Lost Season 3, but if we’re talking strictly movies it would probably be It’s a Wonderful Life. (That and Scrooged are the two Christmas movies I have to see every year.) I don’t actually buy a ton of DVDs, but I did get a Coen Brothers box set for Christmas.

IF YOU WERE A TCM GUEST PROGRAMMER, WHAT THREE MOVIES WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BEST REPRESENT YOUR TASTES, OR A FAVORITE GENRE OR THEME: 'Representing my tastes is way too much pressure for any three movies to bear, or maybe I’m just not introspective enough to pick them. I’ll go with my underappreciated sci fi list: the dark side of genetic perfection in Gattaca, the trippy dream-world noir of Dark City and the unfairly maligned AI: Artificial Intelligence. (Yes, I said it and I’m not taking it back.) I know that even people who were with AI most of the way usually hate the third act, but I think that’s what really makes the movie for me. I’m not sure why it’s considered a sentimental happy ending; to me it’s rather dark and disturbing.'

FAVORITE GROSS-OUT MOMENT: 'I love the scene in Shaun of the Dead where the zombies are ripping David apart. The movie’s been getting progressively more dramatic over the last ten minutes or so and that over-the-top gore snaps it back to into horror-comedy mode. Brilliant.'

WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU ASHAMED TO SAY YOU HAVEN'T SEEN, AND WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE: 'I’m probably most regretful that I haven’t explored French film as much as I’d like, particularly the French New Wave. But my greatest single shame would have to be Raging Bull. I got it from Netflix and it sat on my entertainment center for two months before I returned it, unwatched. Since then I’ve decided that movies should never be an obligation. No matter how much of a classic something is, if I’m not interested in it I’m not going to try to force myself to watch it.'

PICK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING FOUR MOVIES AND WRITE TWO SENTENCES ABOUT IT:
The Two Jakes
Two Lane Blacktop
2 Days in the Valley -- 'I had no idea what to expect from 2 Days in the Valley, which may be why I ended up loving it. I have no recollection of the plot, I just remember all those great character moments – Paul Mazursky and his dog at the cemetery, Jeff Daniels sitting in his lonely apartment staring at his gun, Danny Aiello and Glenn Headly bonding over . . . was it pizza?'
Return of the Living Dead Part 2.

FAVORITE KIND OF MOVIE TO REVIEW: 'Something that makes me a little dizzy with love for it so that I can’t wait to tell the whole world – or at least the small fraction of it that reads my site – about it. The Lord of the Rings movies and I Heart Huckabees are some that have had that effect on me. Or else something really awful. I particularly love to shred lazy plotting, because generally it would have been easy to fix so there’s no excuse for it. (I’m looking at you National Treasure: Book of Secrets.)

LAST TIME YOU WERE AT A DRIVE-IN, AND WHAT DID YOU SEE: 'I can’t swear that this was absolutely the last time, but the last one I have a clear memory of was when I was in college. The movie was Gotcha!. Anthony Edwards plays a college student who gets caught up in international intrigue. I’m sure it was a double feature with something similar. Actually, around the same time there was another drive-in in town that specialized in porn (yes, porn) and I went there once so that may have been my last drive-in experience. Yeah, let’s go with that.'

FILM ERA OR GENRE YOU'RE A LITTLE OBSESSED WITH: 'Well, despite what you may have read in question 8, it’s not porn. I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with anything, but I go through phases – film noir, heist movies, science fiction. I’d love to cultivate a good obsession of some sort, but they never seem to last long for me.'

LAST TIME YOU VEHEMENTLY DISAGREED WITH SOMEONE OVER FILM: 'I had a heated exchange with a reader over Signs, which he thought was deeply allegorical (possibly) and I think is just disappointing. Film is so subjective that I rarely get upset when someone disagrees with me, but this guy seemed to think that if I didn’t share his opinion I had no business having one. I also got a little worked up when a friend suggested that the Lord of the Rings movies were just a commercial for the war in Iraq, which I think is a radical interpretation of the text.'

FAVORITE BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF FILM: 'One I really enjoyed is Joe Leydon’s Guide to Essential Movies You Must See If You Read, Write About or Make Movies. It’s not just another list of great movies; in fact, some of the films discussed aren’t even that good. It’s a series of essays on landmark films, why they’re important and how their influence is reflected in the works of generations of filmmakers. It’s an intelligent, organic approach to film, and a fun read too.'

DESCRIBE THE FREQUENCY OF YOUR FILM INTAKE: 'Not as frequent as it used to be. I probably make it to the theater 2-3 times a month and watch another 6-8 movies a month on DVD. I should probably make an effort to up that total; I feel like I’m losing my chops!'

THREE THINGS YOU'VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING MOVIES:
1. Don’t worry so much about explosions because usually you can outrun them.
2. If God starts talking to you, you’d better hope you’re in a comedy.
3. Never underestimate the value of being underestimated.

Email DVD Panache if you are interested in being featured on Friday Screen Test.

WORST MONTH EVER: The ExtenZe Experience

There are certainly worse infomercials out there, but one that holds a special place in my heart is the one for ExtenZe, a male enhancement product. If you don't know what that means, the infomercial is helpful enough to say that it enhances "a certain part of the male body." And if you still don't know what that means, the infomercial is helpful enough to say that it's "you know, male enhancement?" ExtenZe likes to be subtle, it's obviously a very classy company. It's these subtleties where the true art of the ExtenZe infomercial lies. ExtenZe's premise is to sell you that you're watching a talk show called "Sex Talk" (sounds real, right?), which tonight is on the topic of 60% of American women dissatisfied with their partner's size (no source needed, it's scientific!).

Wow, that's a lot of hair. And a lot of belt.

Not only do the talk show hosts focus on captivating subjects, but they can also barely speak ("those man on the street interviews were ... great"). But don't just take their word on ExtenZe, let's follow Big Belt out on the street!

Excuse me, could you stand next to this 59-year-old man and pretend you're his girlfriend? $30?

On the street, Big Belt interviews some random couples, and much to our amazement not only do the men she talks to know about ExtenZe, but they're using it. And not only are they using it, but it really, REALLY works. One man goes so far as to say ExtenZe has made him "a heck of a lot bigger." Not even a Jiffy Pop would make me use that adjective, so this must be some kind of improvement.

This woman is a little too eager to explain how well ExtenZe has been working.

After the street interviews, we're treated to a tender dinner table scene between a wife and a husband who just opened his free sample of ExtenZe. She's not familiar with male enhancement, but when her husband says "you know, male enhancement?" she quickly catches on. The wife replies "wow, just how much enhancing does ExtenZe do?" with the firmness of a mother catching a child setting a cat ablaze.

"Are we talking David Cronenberg territory here? And I don't mean 'eXistenZ', I mean will your penis become like a talking typewriter or some kind of fleshy gun that shoots cancer?"

If you're still not convinced about how ExtenZe can turn your life around, consider the final segment where three "brave" women have volunteered to answer humiliatingly mundane questions about sex.

Why are there all these ashtrays stacked on the table?

Because their past partners didn't measure up, these women may never love again. One even came equipped with a poorly devised analogy: "It's like waiting your whole life to see your team go to the series, and then they ... drop the ball!" One way to read this line is that her partner had to have one of his testicles removed after having sex with her hundreds and hundreds of times over the course of her life.

What makes the ExtenZe commercials even better is how many angry customers the company has. Checking out Infomercial Scams, ExtenZe seems to follow the business practice of stealing money once a person gives them their credit card number. Here's a good example of the numerous complaints:

I ordered this product with the intent of simply trying the 7 day sample and some Indian woman talked to into buying some porn dvds and a travel service. I received the product and after the 7 days tried to cancel but with no luck. I called several times and they kept saying they were going to call me back at 11 am which they never did. I asked to speak to a supervisor and when on the phone with him he said he has no information on my account and does not know any other numbers I can contact. I then looked at my bank statement and saw that I got charged 49.41 and 1.49 by the company and the 7 days isnt even up! I contacted my bank and they say that they are filing a claim and will refund my money. I am going to pursue legal actions next on this faulty business because they literally steal your money without you knowing. The 7 days is a scam and is false advertisement.

There's almost 50 complaints just like that on the site. If they're able to charge so many credit cards through the free sample offer, it's no wonder the infomercial is playing round the clock late at night!

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Thanks for celebrating the worst with me all through April. Worst Month Ever was my first stab at a big theme event, and I appreciate all the readers who helped make it a success.

No more Gene Hackman movies?

Has it really been four years since Gene Hackman has been in a movie? Yup, and that number is only going to get larger now that he has unceremoniously announced his retirement. It's by far the longest gap in his acting resume, with the closest being a couple of two year spaces between credits in the 80s and 70s, though he was unquestionably involved in multiple projects during those years. It's sad seeing Hackman say he "hasn't worked in four years," because at the same time we have Al Pacino in 88 Minutes and Robert DeNiro in shit (substitute recent DeNiro movie of your choice). Hackman rarely dominated a movie the way those actors did, but he carried quite a few. Can you name all the great Hackman roles and movies without going to his IMDB page and finding four or five you missed?


He's had an amazing career that began when he broke into television work at age 30. No silver spoon or family pedigree here, Hackman was apparently raised in a broken home and subsequently joined the Marines at 16 after lying about his age. This comes as no shock, as Hackman has barely aged in his acting career and probably looked about 28 when he walked into that recruiting station. After watching the new Bonnie and Clyde DVD a couple times, I forgot how old the "young" Hackman looked, because he's had pretty much the same look for the past 40 years. Maybe not a famous look, but one that allowed him to ably fill roles ranging from good-hearted (Hoosiers, Young Frankenstein, The Poseidon Adventure) to absolute evil (Superman: The Movie, Prime Cut, Unforgiven). Plus he has that voice. My God, that voice. Is it evenpossible to do a Gene Hackman impression?

While it's not exactly his last movie, I'm going to consider his titular role in The Royal Tenenbaums to be his farewell performance. It might just be my favorite Hackman performance, and it's easily his funniest. As Royal Tenenbaum, Hackman plays the reprehensible and lovable patriarch who can tear a family apart and bring it back together. Hackman didn't have too many opportunities to show off his comedic talent, but he does it here with almost every line:

"Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?"

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman."

"I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me."

Wes Anderson obviously knew how to utilize Hackman for a role that pretty much carries his best movie. That was seven years ago, and only three years after its release, the roles apparently dried up. I respect Hackman's decision to avoid a career playing old judges, grandfathers and generals, but I also have hope that a meaningful project will come his way one of these years.

Worst winner ever

We have a winner in the Worst Sweepstakes Ever: reader Stephen Huss of College Station, Texas! In addition to having his email randomly selected, Stephen correctly noted that Kim Basinger in My Stepmother is an Alien is indeed the Worst Alien Ever. I think I watched this movie about three times after it was released on video, but all I can remember is Basinger's alien having a one-eyed monster in her purse and a scene where she eats batteries. This nugget from IMDB pretty much sums up the movie: "Revealing mistakes: When Celeste and Steve first have sex, Celeste reveals her left armpit twice. And both times, the poor tape job covering her breasts can clearly be seen." If you're still unclear about things, check out the one-sheet below.

Stephen is the proud owner of the Alien Nation: Ultimate Movie Collection DVD set. Thanks to everyone who entered the contest, hopefully I can do more of these in the future.

WORST MONTH EVER: Bad Scenes from Good Movies

Not even the best movies can bat 1.000, and I'm here to tell you about a few cringe-worthy scenes in some of my favorites:

Ghostbusters -- Ray's dream

My favorite part of Ghostbusters has always been the montage following their encounter with Slimer -- seeing them as guests on Larry King, across the magazine covers (the illustrated Atlantic cover is brilliant) and going from job to job. And yet, such a strong sequence ends with a thud, as we see a ghost apparently enter Ray's dream and give him some ecto-lovin. I can live with this scene's concept, but it plays out all wrong and ends up feeling like a deleted scene. As a dream there are endless possibilities, but what we're given is neither funny, scary or creative at all. Is Ray supposed to be Napoleon? Why not a ghost nightmare with some dark humor, or some Zool foreshadowing? Even worse, Dan Akyroyd's acting is terrible (as it is for most of the movie, unfortunately -- see his memorized line delivery in the scene after their firing from the university), his reaction to the ghost's friendly gesture is more 10-year-old virgin than "cool, a slutty ghost!"

The Dirty Dozen -- Divisional maneuvers

Until I read Steve Carlson's recent review of this movie, I was afraid I was the only one who didn't get this scene. Steve's right: director Robert Aldrich does too little with this sequence, which should be one of the movie's best moments. The Dozen are ordered to prove themselves in a vast war games operation, and Major Reisman (Lee Marvin) backs his men by saying not only will they exceed, but his unit will win the operation outright. We immediately see that the bastards' plan is to play both sides, carrying red and blue arm bands to apparently sneak into enemy territory undetected. It's a needlessly complicated sequence, and Aldrich leads you to believe that something amazingly clever is about to happen. Their eventual triumph is somewhat inventive, but far from impressive since it appears' the enemy HQ is defended by three or four soldiers and a single jeep. If they already were outnumbering the enemy, why not just bull rush them? Much more could have been done here, especially since there is almost no action or stunts.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring -- Galadriel goes gonzo

Maybe the strangest scene of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy. While the rest of the saga looks like a billion bucks, for a few seconds it becomes a Ronnie James Dio video. Staying in Lothlorien, Frodo has a key encounter with the Elfen queen Galadriel (Cate Blanchett), who offers him a glimpse at the future. Shaken by what he has seen, Frodo unexpectedly has to protect the ring from Galadriel, who nearly gives in to temptation. For a moment Galadriel falls prey to the ring's evil, and that's where the wheels start to fall off: to show how evil Galadriel has become, the frame rate is slowed down, her voice sounds like something from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and she glows with the quality of PhotoShop. Surely there was a better way to do this without looking like a junior college production of Holy Diver.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre -- Howard's end

This scene isn't necessarily bad, it's just the lowest point in a fantastic movie. After parting ways with his gold mining partners, Howard (Walter Huston) finds himself in a Mexican Valhalla, where he is worshiped by all and even has healing powers. Sure it's nice to give the old guy a good send off, but I agree with Roger Ebert when he says these scenes "belong in a lesser movie." I'm not sure what a more appropriate cota for Howard would be, but almost anything would have been more realistic than what we have.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom -- Dr. Grabass

I know, I know -- Temple of Doom shouldn't be listed here, as these are good movies, right? But as a lifelong defender of Temple, I have to point out the scene that makes me want to offer my own heart to Kali. It's well-documented that George Lucas (and to a lesser extent, Steven Spielberg) does not do comedy well, and the same could be said for romance. So when these two get together, it's bound to be bad. At Pankot Palace, we're subjected to a tortuous experiment in battle of the sexes comedy. To repay Indy for giving her an apple, Willie (Kate Capshaw) throws herself at the archaeologist's feet, and he reciprocates by beginning an avalanche of ever-worsening innuendo that would make a morning FM deejay reach for the "eject" button. "Mating rituals"? Kill me. If that's not bad enough, we're supposed to believe that a man would walk away from casual sex because of how annoying she is. The story demands that some kind of conflict develops between Willie and Indy, but what results is similar to a porn scene being aborted because the man forgot to take his shoes off.

COMING OUT SUMMER 2011: 'Prisoner 57-AA124900'

"Always bet on orange!"

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Dylan (aka Fletch)

Call him Dylan, or Fletch, or even Dr. Rosenpenis -- but don't call him easily amused. The man behind Blog Cabins: Insanely Important Film Reviews is one tough critic -- he tosses around the top honor on his splendidly-designed ratings scale like it's the Ultimate Nullifier (wow, where did that come from?). Fletch casts his skeptical eye on many new releases, and also spreads the wealth to television and movies that don't exist. Fletch must also be commended for his philanthropic work on the Web, namely his founding of The Large Association of Movie Blogs (the LAMB). This ever-growing movie blog union brings together some of the smartest people in the world for fun group activities, and generally acts as a great way for film bloggers to network and spread awareness of their sites. Next LAMB project: build a subterranean refuge in case a wayward asteroid deprives our planet of life -- and film critics.

EARLIEST MOVIE-WATCHING MEMORY: 'Since I have a terrible memory as it relates to my childhood, I'm going to be really generic and say that it was watching Star Wars every time I got sick. My mom insists I watched Benji when I was sick, but I don't believe her (and Star Wars just sounds a lot better).'

LAST DVD YOU BOUGHT: 'It was actually a boxed set of Coen Brothers flicks. I already owned Fargo, but getting Miller's Crossing, Blood Simple, Barton Fink and Raising Arizona along with another Fargo for forty bucks sounded like a nice deal to me.'

IF YOU WERE A TCM GUEST PROGRAMMER, WHAT THREE FILMS WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BEST REPRESENT YOUR TASTES, OR A FAVORITE GENRE OR THEME: 'Well, I ask people on the LAMB to pick their three favorite movies, so I guess I ought to do the same myself, regardless of how unfair of a question it is. I'm going to go with Fletch, Pulp Fiction and Fight Club.'

FAVORITE GROSS-OUT MOMENT: 'It's certainly not a favorite, but the standout gross moment that comes to mind is seeing waaaay too much of Bill Macy's ass in The Cooler.'

WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU ASHAMED TO SAY YOU HAVEN'T SEEN, AND WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE: 'Where to begin? I've been loathed in the past for my take on older movies (though I've given ample reasons why), but I'll narrow it down to It's A Wonderful Life.'

PICK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING FOUR MOVIES AND WRITE TWO SENTENCES ABOUT IT:
The Big Sleep
The Big Bus
The Big Hit -- 'Up until Strange Wilderness, I had never walked out of a movie, but the one that came closest previously was The Big Hit. What an abortion of a movie.'
Shaft's Big Score.

FAVORITE KIND OF MOVIE TO REVIEW: 'Bad ones.'

LAST TIME YOU WERE AT A DRIVE-IN, AND WHAT DID YOU SEE: 'Austin Powers in Goldmember. Though I don't recall watching all that much of it...'

FILM ERA OR GENRE YOU'RE A LITTLE OBSESSED WITH: 'The 90s. Fitting, given my age (31).'

LAST TIME YOU VEHEMENTLY DISAGREED WITH SOMEONE OVER FILM: 'A friend of mine at work, who is likewise a lover of Office Space, has the gaul to say that Idiocracy is one of the worst movies he's ever seen. This coming from a person that loves Con Air and The Rock more than anyone over the age of 14 should be willing to admit.'

FAVORITE BOOK ON FILM: 'Entertainment Weekly. Shoot me - I read more magazines than books.'

DESCRIBE THE FREQUENCY OF YOUR FILM INTAKE: 'At least six movies in theaters per month, and scads more on TV, with a couple rentals thrown in to boot.'

THREE THINGS YOU'VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING MOVIES: 'Never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

'Brownie points if you know who said that without looking it up.'

Email DVD Panache if you are interested in being featured on Friday Screen Test.

WORST SWEEPSTAKES EVER

Hey, remember Alien Nation? Pretty cool Fox series that was actually better than the movie it was based on? OK, but do you remember the made-for-TV movies that followed the series and were even more awesome?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you should enter the inaugural DVD Panache reader contest. Nice DVD people have allotted me a copy of the brand new 3-disc Alien Nation - Ultimate Movie Collection to give away, and I want you (YOU!) to win it. Many of us go through life never winning anything -- even I still have stinging memories of watching my brother receive a $25 Nordstrom gift certificate after winning a Ninja Turtles coloring contest, and buying a sweet watch that had a wind surfer as the second hand. Why did I mention that? Because like that coloring contest, there is no second place in WORST SWEEPSTAKES EVER. It's winner take all -- just like life, baby.

OK shut up, how do I win?

First of all, you have to act fast. This isn't one of those dilly-dally, put-it-off-until-I-get-a-job kind of contests. Before 11:59 p.m. Eastern on Saturday April 26, you need to send me an email telling me what the worst movie alien is. I will randomly draw an emailer to win -- that means the clever person who chooses Philo from UHF will have the same chance to win as the dumbass who says Jeriba from Enemy Mine (it's Louis Gossett, Jr. as an alien, how can that not put a smile on your face?). My email is oneadamrossplace at gmail.com.

If you're not familiar with the Alien Nation TV movies, this set contains five movies broadcast between 1994 and 1997, with the first one (Dark Horizon) picking up right where the series left off. The movies are on DVD for the first time, and the set contains commentaries from director Kenneth Johnson and a variety of featurettes.

WORST MONTH EVER: Most embarrassing pistol-whipping

Dear WORST Magazine

My most embarrassing moment is also my most painful moment. It started innocently enough on a Saturday afternoon as I joined my buddies Chuck and Bruce in looking at the engine of my Corvette while drinking Cokes. I don't know what we were looking at, we just figured it's the kind of thing young men in the early 1970s were supposed to do.


So then this Italian thug starts walking up my driveway, and I give him the customary, "what the fuck do you want?" And instead of scaring him off, this line only agitated him, and he pulls a pistol out of his waistband.
He proceeds to give me the beating of my life, and doesn't even stop while I yell "sorry!" or "stop!" I would have expected Chuck or Bruce to step in and help me, but you know they were holding Coke bottles, so what are you going to do?
And finally when I think this bludgeoning is over, he gives me one last smash to my nose -- which was number 8 on the day if I counted correctly.
And what kind of world are we living in where a guy gets pistol whipped in his driveway? Was he too scared of me to try and use his bare hands to beat me within an inch of my life?
Then he pointed that gun at Chuck and Bruce -- hey pal, they were just drinking Coke, they didn't try to hit on your girlfriend!
Oh ya, that's the other thing -- this guy was mad at me for hitting on his wife. But if you ask me, it was more her hitting on me, what with that tennis outfit and all. Never seen the guy again, but if he comes back, I'll be ready.
--Name withheld.

WORST MONTH EVER: Your host for the evening, Frank Booth

"Why do people like Frank exist?"

This line is what Blue Velvet is all about for me. We accept that bad people exist, its but what about the people who scare them? Who populates the nightmares of serial killers? David Lynch's villains are the answers to these questions, as they operate on a level of evil you never knew existed, and like Jeffrey says -- they do exist. For Blue Velvet's most memorable sequence, Jeffrey (Kyle MacLachlan) experiences the worst night of his life, serving as the night's entertainment for Frank (Dennis Hopper) and his cronies. I haven't seen Hostel or its torture porn brethren, but I will still say that Frank's "joy ride" with Jeffrey is the best (worst) torture scene of all time.


Lynch carefully sets up Jeffrey's encounter with Frank by having the naive lad witness his terror beforehand. As he hides in the closet in Dorothy's apartment, he sees a nightmare unfold before him, with a domineering creature controlling an innocent woman and forcing her into horrific acts. Frank's bizarre fetishes and psychological weapons are on display for Jeffrey, who is paralyzed in fear and cannot even think of rescuing the victim he had just met. Jeffrey is so troubled by what he saw that he can barely relate what happened to Sandy (Laura Dern), and searches for words to explain Frank's evil. But Jeffrey's fear is subdued by hubris, as his life has probably never been better since returning to his hometown of Lumberton: he's involved with a high school beauty, playing the role of macho private detective, and is even enjoying an affair with a dangerous older woman. That Jeffrey dares to enter Dorothy's apartment again, knowing there's a chance Frank could enter again, speaks volumes of how much he's enjoying his situation. Jeffrey may have been on a personal high after his second rendezvous with Dorothy, but his night would soon enter a cataclysmic decline after opening the apartment door to leave.

"He's a good kid, Frank."

Since Lynch had established how much Jeffrey fears Frank, at this moment we need no convincing about how petrified he must be at coming face-to-face with his nightmare. Minutes after glowing with pride, Jeffrey can barely speak, and even Dorothy tries to hide behind the door after hearing Frank's voice. You can see the spark in Frank's eyes as he sees Jeffrey for exactly what he is and how he could be primped as another submissive doll. Frank's game is to slither his way around something valuable in your soul, and constantly dangle it in front of you so he can lead you where he pleases. With Dorothy it is her son, and Frank instantly realizes Dorothy herself can serve this purpose with Jeffrey.

Frank's "friends" may be trapped in a similar web, because even though they appear to enjoy themselves with the man, they also are skittish around him and sometimes act as horrified as anyone else at what he does. They seize on Jeffrey and start wearing him down in the car, knowing he is defenseless and not wanting to appear weak in front of the other jackals. Jeffrey can do nothing but play along as their pinata.

"Goddamn you are one suave fuck!"

At Ben's house, the night enters a realm of surreal trauma that has never been equaled. You can either laugh at this scene or look at it with Jeffrey's stone faced expression. It's hard not to giggle at lines like "Be polite!" or "Do you want me to pour it? No, I want you to fuck it! Shit yes, pour the fucking beer!", and equally difficult not to hold your breath as Frank continues to test Jeffrey's endurance and pain threshold. This scene is my favorite of any Lynch film, as he manages to turn a grungy apartment into an oddly beautiful retro nightmare. The director's trademark lamps bring a warm glow to everything, and there are so many strange sights and occurrences going on that it's impossible to take them all in with one viewing. To name a few:

--"I'm Paul!" x2
--Ben's dutiful, obese attendants who look like they belong in 1962.
--Lynch's amazing frame composition that manages to keep several characters easily in view without the screen feeling crowded.
--Dean Stockwell's other worldly performance as Ben, creating a character that defies explanation or description. Possibly the only person with more strange fetishes and mannerisms than his friend Frank.

It's also a credit to Lynch that the scene can be taken seriously at all with so many bizarre happenings and dark humor on display. It doesn't seem possible that something can walk a tightrope between nightmarish horror and profane humor, but what goes on at Ben's does exactly that. Jeffrey's nightmare doesn't end until after another terrifying trip in Frank's car, where he unwisely stands up to the monster. His ability to summon this courage gives viewers hope that there is an end in sight for the Worst Person in the World.

One last thing about Ben's, what the hell is that thing on the couch behind Frank?

WORST MONTH EVER: Worst Cup of Coffee

When my son Aiden starts watching movies in a few years, he'll probably have at least one pressing question while we're watching a pre-1990 film:

"Dad, what's wrong with everybody's hands?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they're empty -- shouldn't they be holding at least one 16 oz. cup made of partially recycled paper?"
"Actually son, there was a time when there were fewer than 50,000 Starbucks locations. So people usually drank their coffee at home, or at a Dunkin' Donuts or Waffle House."

Today there might be a Starbucks built in to every San Francisco police precinct, but back in 1968 when a hardened detective needed to get going before 11 a.m., he had few options. In Bullitt, our introduction to the title character shows us exactly how badass and unorthodox he is through his choice of coffee (this is assuming the viewer is unfamiliar with Steve McQueen, because otherwise you would know exactly how badass Bullitt is just by the actor portraying him). Awakened extra early (after 10 a.m.), Bullitt is cranky -- and to make things worse he has a square suit from downtown walking around his apartment giving him orders. Only one way to remedy this situation: the worst cup of coffee imaginable.

Let's dig out the last few traces of instant coffee from this old jar with a worn off label, probably rolling around under his bed after the last time he had to get up early. Wait, we never see him put water in his mug -- does he just keep water in that mug in the event of an early wake up?!
And he doesn't even walk over to the stove to boil water, he uses -- what do you even call that? Do they still make those? You just plug that thing in and stick it in your instant coffee? It's obviously a very safe and reliable piece of hardware. Actually, Bullitt probably fashioned it himself using an old lamp.
It's good that clothes, not coffee, make the man. How long until that chase scene?

FRIDAY SCREEN TEST: Andrew James

Andrew James is the founder and editor of Movie Patron, where you can find lots of new reviews, and also Andrew's Top 110 -- which begins with Johnny Dangerously and ends with Pulp Fiction. Andrew has an energetic, conversational style of writing, and is even brave enough to get in front of the camera for video reviews -- like he does with Be Kind Rewind. Andrew also lends his talents to Row Three, where he contributes reviews and helps host a frequent podcast. Row Three has an active community of commenters and contributors, which makes for a lively atmosphere. In his bio, Andrew admits to sacrificing his social life for "spending all his free time reading, writing and researching about film," not to mention an appreciation for Grey Goose gimlets. Make that two gimlets, bartend, only pour mine with gin -- Beefeater!

EARLIEST MOVIE-WATCHING MEMORY: 'My mom loves this story. As a fairly ADD kid, my parents were leary about taking me to the theater for the first time. But something possessed them to take me to Star Wars when it was re-released in 1979. Fidgeting in my seat, probably constantly asking what we were doing there and how long I'd have to wait for something to happen. That was until a star destroyer went over my head with lasers blasting for what seemed like forever. My parents missed the entire movie as they sat smiling and laughing at me with my mouth literally wide open and drooling and not moving a muscle for the entire two hours. I still have vague recollections of that screening.'

LAST DVD YOU BOUGHT: 'Just picked up Todd Field's In the Bedroom. After the magnificense that was Little Children, I had to step back and re-watch his previous effort. Plus, Marissa Tomei is pretty easy on the eyes.

IF YOU WERE A TCM GUEST PROGRAMMER, WHAT THREE MOVIES WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BEST REPRESENT YOUR TASTES, OR A FAVORITE GENRE OR THEME: '1) A Clockwork Orange - for its oddity but also amazing dialogue, art direction and unique directing style. 2) Cinema Paradiso - some of the best film ever made is not in English. 3) Die Hard - film snobs like some good action once in a while too; and Die Hard is as top-notch as action gets.

FAVORITE GROSS-OUT MOMENT: 'That's a tough one. Of recent memory, I'd say that the head-on car collision in Grindhouse: Death Proof is pretty bad-ass. Or, call it bad taste if you want, but I love it when the guys gets sliced into hundred of tiny cubes by the laser barrier in Resident Evil.

WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU ASHAMED TO SAY YOU HAVEN'T SEEN, AND WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE: Space Balls - It's the movie EVERYONE has seen but me. No excuse really. It's on cable every day and being a huge Star Wars fan and a kid growing up in the 80s/90s, you'd think how could I miss this? But I have never seen it. Never seen It's a Wonderful Life either.

PICK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING FOUR MOVIES AND WRITE TWO SENTENCES ABOUT IT:
McClintock!
Sleeping Beauty -- 'The film has some wonderful animation for its time and a terrific villain. I've never seen the whole thing from start to finish.'
Playtime
Death Wish.

FAVORITE KIND OF MOVIE TO REVIEW: 'A really great movie. The perfect movie. That very rare 5 star film. They're so much fun to review because (a) they're easy to review and (b) it feels good coming up with all of of those positive adjectives and (c) I love to convince people to check out something that I know they'll love. '

LAST TIME YOU WERE AT A DRIVE-IN, AND WHAT DID YOU SEE: 'I think I saw a double bill of Resident Evil 2 and i,Robot. They both pretty much sucked and I don't think the girl I was with at the time and I watched much of either movie. Yeah.'

FILM ERA OR GENRE YOU'RE A LITTLE OBSESSED WITH: 'Vampires. Even the shitty Vampire films I really enjoy. John Carpenter's Vampires? Yup. Nosferatu - remake and original? Yup. But I'd say my favorite is Interview with the Vampire. Nearly a perfect film for what it's trying to accomplish in terms of style, costuming, acting and tone. I will say that I also LOVE good sci-fi. And I mean GOOD sci-fi. When it's done well (e.g. Contact, Alien, Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Back to the Future) it can't be beat. '

LAST TIME YOU VEHEMENTLY DISAGREED WITH SOMEONE OVER FILM: 'My idiot friend thinks Hard Candy is one of the worst films of all time. Clearly he's not fit to be part of the human populace.'

FAVORITE BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF FILM: 'I actually haven't read all that many. Surprisingly enough, The Idiot's Guide to Movies, Flicks and Film is a pretty informative and interesting read. I also liked I Hated, Hated, HATED This Movie by Roger Ebert.

DESCRIBE THE FREQUENCY OF YOUR FILM INTAKE: 'Too much to ever have a girl fall in love with me. One full movie per day (more on the weekends). Ususally two theatrical screenings per week.

THREE THINGS YOU'VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING MOVIES:
1) If someone says "let's split up;" don't.
2) Sadly, the book is probably better.
3) Quite honestly, all the problems in your world can instantly disappear if you're seated in a theater in front of a great movie.

Email DVD Panache if you are interested in being featured on Friday Screen Test.

WORST MONTH EVER: Worst Alternate Ending

To Live and Die in L.A. has a lot going for it: a catchy title tune by Wang Chung, Willem Dafoe at his creepy best, one of the best car chases of all time, and ... by far the worst alternate ending ever conceived. If MGM had gotten its way and replaced director William Friedkin's original ending, it's hard to imagine a good movie crashing and burning in only a few minutes' time. Included in the Special Edition DVD of the movie that came out a few years ago, the alternate ending of To Live and Die in L.A. plays like a good Family Guy flashback -- too good to be true, for all the wrong reasons.

Before I break down the alternate ending, let's remember the ending as it is, which has helped separate the movie from the countless other cop dramas of the 1980s. After tirelessly chasing counterfeiter Rick Masters (Dafoe), secret service agent Richard Chance (William Peterson) may finally have his man after securing enough dough to get close to the criminal and catch him red-handed. Chance is posing as a client, although Masters has hinted that he knows of his real identity. Chance and his partner John Vukovich meet up with Masters, produce the cash and try to arrest him, but things quickly go bad as Masters' bodyguard pulls out a shotgun and shoots Chance in the face. Masters escapes, but Vukovich traces him to a warehouse where the law eventually prevails. The movie ends with one of the decade's best closing lines, as Vukovich tells his late partner's sexy informant "you're working for me now."

Awesome ... right? The closing line, along with the shocking death of the lead character makes for a memorable ending, but the studio didn't see it that way. According to the DVD, MGM didn't think audiences would want to see Chance die, so Peterson filmed a new ending: Instead of Chance getting shot in the face, he would only get shot in the gut at point-blank range, survive, then he and Vukovich would be relocated to a remote Alaska outpost and all is happily ever after. After seeing this horror, a disgusted Friedkin ordered the original ending restored...
... and the world is a better place. Chance's survival is bad enough, but the Alaska twist would have been on par with a Bridge on the River Kwai ending where the Japanese train screeches to a halt before hitting the bridge, and the conductor yells "This just in -- the war's over!" Relocating the characters to Alaska seems to be an attempt to wash over the two men's egregious misconduct, but why that sly smile by Chance? Does he think the secret service will just forget about them? Wouldn't the FBI still be a little peeved that they killed one of their agents? Watch for yourself, and see why Friedkin's firm stance on his ending may forgive the director for making Blue Chips, The Guardian, The Hunted, etc. (Also, take a look at Friedkin's bio, notice how his movies steadily declined after L.A.? Did his objection to MGM have anything to do with that?)

WORST MONTH EVER: Worst of 2007 (Part II)

You know that person who can't seem to utter one word that's not drenched in sarcasm? And this sarcasm isn't even the funny kind, but rather just the way they know how to talk? Southland Tales is this person, and it's just one of the movie's maddening shortcomings that add up to make it one of the worst movies of the year, and one of the biggest disappointments in a long time. At some point in time I was excited about this movie, and why not -- it would be director Richard Kelly's long-awaited follow-up to his breakthrough Donnie Darko, with a bigger budget and cast. Donnie Darko worked because it combined an intriguing web of science fiction with a youthful late 80s innocence, against the backdrop of a wonderful soundtrack and numerous memorable scenes. I'd like to believe that at some point Southland Tales had a few of these same qualities, starting with a good sci-fi story, but in Kelly's attempt to add socially relevant themes and quirky characters and ideas, the project was slowly distilled into pure, unintelligible garbage.

If you make it to the end of Southland Tales, there's a few sci-fi story elements that come together somewhat and may pique your interest, but many people will turn the movie off after two hours of watching The Rock trying to act confused, Cheri O'Teri waiting for something funny to say and Justin Timberlake waiting for his video inside the movie to begin. There's also a lot of news reports desperately trying to add sight gags (such as gratuitous Bud Light sponsorship, which is frequently revealed to look just like water ) and many attempts at porn jokes. Somewhere under all of this is a movie about a mysterious, fantastic new energy source that promises to revolutionize the world, and the hope and paranoia that spring from it. But this represents ultimately such a small part of the movie, and is buried under attempted political commentary, bad jokes and lots of yelling. Through all this, Kelly has made the decision to have all the dialogue and action done in a half-hearted Christopher Guest kind of constant satire, and it never works. You feel like the characters want to say something clever, but there's nothing there -- and the few times a promising joke comes up, it's mostly ruined by bad timing.

After reading the multitude of bad reviews this movie received, I was still interested to see it because of Kelly, who I thought had a long career ahead of him. Now? Outlook not so clear. Shooting on Southland Tales was delayed over a year, and by the time it premiered at Cannes 2006 Kelly still had unfinished special effects that required more money. Distributor Sony agreed to give Kelly more funds in exchange for cutting down on the film's length (originally 160 minutes trimmed to 141), but the final effects still look mostly terrible. Kelly started writing the project shortly before 9/11, but radically changed it after the attacks. What was once about blackmail, a porn star and a few cops had morphed into a six-part sci-fi saga and (in Kelly's words) "a musical in a post-modern sense of the word in that it is a hybrid of several genres. There will be some dancing and singing, but it will be incorporated into the story in very logical scenarios as well as fantasy dream environments." Told in six parts, the final three would be Southland Tales and the first three published as graphic novels.

Kelly's project didn't cost anyone too much money, but the director himself may bear the most pain as he obviously had plenty of pride and imagination invested here. Most disappointing to his fans is the fact that Kelly's memorable style from Donnie Darko is mostly absent in Southland Tales. One of the few recognizable traits of the director contained in the movie is his eye for oddball casting: Wallace Shawn, Curtis Armstrong and Zelda Rubenstein all get plenty of screen time -- and is that Christopher Fucking Lambert driving an ice cream truck full of guns? Okay. Donnie Darko had Patrick Swayze and Katharine Ross, but those choices seemed to make sense with the overall tone of the movie -- having Curtis Armstrong stand in the background as a would-be henchman just feels dumb.

If there's one element of Southland Tales that tells you everything you need to know about what kind of movie it is, consider its closing line: "He's a pimp, and pimps don't commit suicide."

14 years of Turner Classic Movies

Fate is a strange beast. Today I decided to check out the Wikipedia page for Turner Classic Movies and discovered the anniversary of its creation is ... April 14! Surely this must be a sign from the weird hat-wearing dude on TCM's logo that a tribute to the channel is in order.

According to the aforementioned Wikipedia page, it was in 1994 that TCM was born to supplant TNT as the Turner Empire's flagship purveyor of its immense film catalog. The channel's traits reads just like a cinephile's late-night If I Ran the Zoo ramblings: "It won't have any commercials! No re-colorization! It'll have authentic aspect ratios! Diverse programming! An informative host! And after midnight we'll have nothing but ass, ass, ass!" Okay so some of us have different ramblings, but the channel remains a film fan's dream come true. And really, have you ever stopped to think about just how good we have it with TCM?

Sometimes it hits me, like the realization that it NEVER pops up a graphic to tell you what movie you're watching (probably a goodwill gesture to those who still tape record off it for their home library). Or that TCM's catalog is so vast that its programming never becomes predictable? Contrast that to American Movie Classics (AMC), where in the past two months I've surfed past it to find Robert Redford's by-the-numbers Brubaker no less than FOUR TIMES? It's also nice to see how seriously TCM treats a movie's original aspect ratio, for example The Night of the Hunter was the subject of The Essentials this weekend and was presented in its OAR of 1.66:1, as opposed to the movie's full frame treatment on DVD.

TCM has played a huge role in my life as a film fan. I have always enjoyed classic movies, but it wasn't until I got my first DVR in 2003 that I really started to discover film noir, classic westerns and the best directors and actors. Being able to set recordings and save them for later transformed TCM for me from just another channel to a virtual on-demand service of classic films. I've seen movies on TCM in that time period that I now consider among my favorites, such as Point Blank, Laura, Fort Apache, The 39 Steps, The Wrong Man, Tomb of Ligeia and The Unknown. While my house is temporarily without a DVR, it's actually increased my appreciation for TCM since I now just turn it on to see what's playing and have watched a few movies I probably wouldn't have recorded (I was surprised by The Buccaneer in the channel's Charlton Heston tribute).

It's a tall order to uniquely program 24 hours of movies, but an even greater tribute to TCM's attention to detail are the introductions and trivia by Robert Osborne and Ben Mankiewicz for almost every movie. Both men treat their jobs like they're setting up a movie being shown in a living room, and come off as enthusiastic film scholars, not actors reading cue-cards. New wrinkles to TCM have been TCM Underground, an after hours psychotronic sampler (featuring the channel's premiere of Suburbia this weekend) and ongoing invitations to guest programmers, who join Osborne and explain why they picked the three films for that evening. The latter brings out the best in Osborne, and is continually entertaining because of the diversity of the guests -- tonight was Alex Trebek, and Evander Holyfield was a recent participant.

Such improvements to TCM can only mean the future is bright, but I have one crazy idea that could throw the cinephile community on its ear: TCM HD. Can you imagine turning on your TV and finding The Adventures of Robin Hood in 720p? Or The Haunting? Or Marnie? The way I see it, TCM exists because it acts as a 24-hour commercial for DVDs -- which would explain why other major studios have opened up their catalogs to the channel. This would make sense for HD, because it would show what black and white can look like in high definition, and motivate more people to upgrade to Blu-Ray.

Well, it's another dream. Happy 14th, TCM.