WORST MONTH EVER: The ExtenZe Experience

There are certainly worse infomercials out there, but one that holds a special place in my heart is the one for ExtenZe, a male enhancement product. If you don't know what that means, the infomercial is helpful enough to say that it enhances "a certain part of the male body." And if you still don't know what that means, the infomercial is helpful enough to say that it's "you know, male enhancement?" ExtenZe likes to be subtle, it's obviously a very classy company. It's these subtleties where the true art of the ExtenZe infomercial lies. ExtenZe's premise is to sell you that you're watching a talk show called "Sex Talk" (sounds real, right?), which tonight is on the topic of 60% of American women dissatisfied with their partner's size (no source needed, it's scientific!).

Wow, that's a lot of hair. And a lot of belt.

Not only do the talk show hosts focus on captivating subjects, but they can also barely speak ("those man on the street interviews were ... great"). But don't just take their word on ExtenZe, let's follow Big Belt out on the street!

Excuse me, could you stand next to this 59-year-old man and pretend you're his girlfriend? $30?

On the street, Big Belt interviews some random couples, and much to our amazement not only do the men she talks to know about ExtenZe, but they're using it. And not only are they using it, but it really, REALLY works. One man goes so far as to say ExtenZe has made him "a heck of a lot bigger." Not even a Jiffy Pop would make me use that adjective, so this must be some kind of improvement.

This woman is a little too eager to explain how well ExtenZe has been working.

After the street interviews, we're treated to a tender dinner table scene between a wife and a husband who just opened his free sample of ExtenZe. She's not familiar with male enhancement, but when her husband says "you know, male enhancement?" she quickly catches on. The wife replies "wow, just how much enhancing does ExtenZe do?" with the firmness of a mother catching a child setting a cat ablaze.

"Are we talking David Cronenberg territory here? And I don't mean 'eXistenZ', I mean will your penis become like a talking typewriter or some kind of fleshy gun that shoots cancer?"

If you're still not convinced about how ExtenZe can turn your life around, consider the final segment where three "brave" women have volunteered to answer humiliatingly mundane questions about sex.

Why are there all these ashtrays stacked on the table?

Because their past partners didn't measure up, these women may never love again. One even came equipped with a poorly devised analogy: "It's like waiting your whole life to see your team go to the series, and then they ... drop the ball!" One way to read this line is that her partner had to have one of his testicles removed after having sex with her hundreds and hundreds of times over the course of her life.

What makes the ExtenZe commercials even better is how many angry customers the company has. Checking out Infomercial Scams, ExtenZe seems to follow the business practice of stealing money once a person gives them their credit card number. Here's a good example of the numerous complaints:

I ordered this product with the intent of simply trying the 7 day sample and some Indian woman talked to into buying some porn dvds and a travel service. I received the product and after the 7 days tried to cancel but with no luck. I called several times and they kept saying they were going to call me back at 11 am which they never did. I asked to speak to a supervisor and when on the phone with him he said he has no information on my account and does not know any other numbers I can contact. I then looked at my bank statement and saw that I got charged 49.41 and 1.49 by the company and the 7 days isnt even up! I contacted my bank and they say that they are filing a claim and will refund my money. I am going to pursue legal actions next on this faulty business because they literally steal your money without you knowing. The 7 days is a scam and is false advertisement.

There's almost 50 complaints just like that on the site. If they're able to charge so many credit cards through the free sample offer, it's no wonder the infomercial is playing round the clock late at night!

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Thanks for celebrating the worst with me all through April. Worst Month Ever was my first stab at a big theme event, and I appreciate all the readers who helped make it a success.